Bachelor
Me Estella, Eugene

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Northern Overexposure

Back in Eugene, Oregon (well, Malibu), Chris and Eugene sit in the Room Of Reckoning, Eugene telling Chris that it surprised him how much the three women have opened up to him. He doesn't want to hurt anyone, but he knows that he's going to. Chris reminds Eugene that the women haven't seen each other, and that they won't be able to talk to each other once they enter the house. As Chris sees to that deed, Bob attends to the video messages. Kelly Jo feels like "the luckiest girl on earth," because she knows that there are people on the planet who will never experience the kind of emotions that she has with Eugene. Chris sees her in and sits her down as Mary tells Bob that she wants a rose so she can fall in love with Eugene's family, just as she has fallen in love with Eugene. She enters and house and sits, her hair pulled into a tight bun and her neck decorated with a big, black flower, because that is far more a metaphor for the kind of rose she'll be receiving tonight. Not to mention the only flower she'll be receiving tonight. But y'all knew that already, didn't you? Finally, Estella shows up, telling Bob in her video message, "Hi. Omigod, I had the most amazing date with you." She tells him that she's falling "head over heels" in love with him, but I'm just not buying it. She finishes up that they should "come back to Belize on [their] thirty-fifth wedding anniversary." What a fool Belize, the future Mrs. Eugene Guiney. What a fool Belize.

The ladies sit in silence as Chris enters the room. He dumps the two roses and wishes them a good evening. "Good evening," they barely whisper. NO TALKING! Chris tells us that he's just talked to Eugene, and that Chris has "never seen such a conflicted Bachelor." He wishes them all the best and goes to fetch Eugene. He's so conflicted! Which shade of mock turtleneck goes best with Mary's pain?

Eugene comes down now as the music swells, and he tells them that it's "very difficult" to tell one of them goodbye. It's killing him to be in this position. The position of not horizontal. What could possibly happen next?

Kelly Jo, will you accept this rose? Man, she really thinks she won. Like, REALLY.

Fifty-year pause. I file my nails at my desk like a 1950s receptionist.

Estella, will you accept this rose? She takes the rose and tells him, "You better Belize it." Yes, but do you Belize in life after love? I can feel something inside me say I really don't think you're strong enough. Do you Belize in life after love? I can feel something inside me say I really don't think you're strong enough.

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