Bachelor
Me Estella, Eugene

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Djb: B- | Grade It Now!
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Northern Overexposure

Kelly Jo confessionalizes that the whole day has just been "fun," and that she's sure it's going to get "better and better." Uh-oh. It doesn't take much parsing to read that that's what optimists say in the middle of a bad time. The two of them wrestle in snow, and then fall down (whoops!) in what looks like a choreographed musical-theater number where people fall in love over the course of one song. ["Djb, I would gladly pay a penny for your thoughts." -- Wing Chun] Brief smacky kissing (no, really) ensues among the drifts, but before Frosty has a chance to go thumpity-thump-thump with his corncob pipe if you know what I mean and I think you do, the helicopter from the first act goes off in the third, and Eugene and Kelly Jo are interrupted by its deromanticizing roar. They seem bummed, obviously not having been briefed about the cartoons and Sunny D. that are now certain to follow.

It's not a motorcycle, baby, it's a chopper. When next we meet Eugene, it's inside a confessional clearly shot on German Tourist At The Gay Games theme day, which I'm sure is huge in Alaska. He's wearing a periwinkle -- and I don't mean to go so 64-Crayola on you, but that's exactly what it is -- mock turtleneck (which, as its name indicates, exists wholly to be mocked) that's tighter against his skin than Mary when she's ovulating. He tells us that after he and Kelly Jo came down from the glacier, they "had a few moments to take a hot tub in the middle of the Alaskan forest. Which was very lovely." And sure enough, as so often happens in the middle of the Alaskan tundra, Eugene and Kelly Jo come upon a basin of steaming water. Good thing they just happened to be in their swimming duds at the time, eh? And what is he wearing NOW, for crying out loud? It's the same black sweatshirt, unzipped to his navel! With nothing under it! And blue, floral-patterned Jams! Why? WHY? And who says "take a hot tub," anyway? Ack! My brain! It's exploding! They're joyriding around the Alaskan frontier and I'm Pacino in Insomnia. Can't sleep! Must sleeeeeeeeeep!

Champagne in a hot tub in the middle of Alaska. People, is there anything technology CAN'T do? Kelly Jo and Eugene toast the end of culture and talk more about themselves. Eugene asks Kelly Jo if she wants to have a family, and they agree, "I love kids." Kelly Jo doesn't love kids. Kelly Jo is kids. Carry an egg from Home Ec around with you for a week and let's talk again after this unit is over, okay? I know a lot of our parents had us when they were in their early twenties, but Kelly Jo...well, she's just saying that she wants a family because that is what people say. Because it sounds better coming out than "I want to be a barren spinster." And because at least it's the one kind of lip service that she can breathe out of her mouth during.

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