Bachelor
Me Estella, Eugene

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Djb: B- | Grade It Now!
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Northern Overexposure

Meanwhile, Kelly Jo fesses up to us, confessionalizing her most opportunistic strategy yet: "I feel like I do have a little one-up, because I think other girls who are older are thinking they want to start a family right off the bat." So Eugene's inability to commit is going to be the thing that most informs his decision to commit? And, nice diplomacy, Kelly Jo, not naming which girl you mean when there are only two other girls left to choose from. It is true, though. There is quite the age gulf between Kelly Jo and Mary. Like, that one of them was born in the '60s, and the other one was probably born in the '80s, with Eugene not exactly smack in the middle of the two of them. Honestly, from an age standpoint, Eugene would be better off choosing Mary, so that at least certain cultural touchstones would be shared in common. Here are two scenarios:

Eugene: I love this episode of Speed Racer.
Mary: Oh, dios mio! Me, too, Bobby! Let's name our child Racer X and put a "Baby on Board" sticker on the back of our powerful Mach 5!

Or it could've happened this way:

Eugene: I love this episode of Speed Racer.
Kelly Jo: What's Speed Racer?

Similar hypothetical conversations might ensue after such conversational kickoffs including "I love School House Rock" or "I love this song by The Cars." But hey, guess what? We forgot about Estella. The one who's going to win.

And then, dinner. Is this date feeling a little plotted to anyone else out there? After the hot tubs, Eugene and Kelly Jo walk up a flight of stairs in what looks like a high-school gymnasium and take off in a cable car reading "Alyeska Resort." No charge to take the cable car for guests of the Seven Glaciers Resort! Way to pinch whatever wampum, whale-blubber currency they use in that godforsaken no-man's-land, you guys!

Oh, right. America. Forgot.

It's 11 PM. And it's still light out. And Robin Williams is the bad guy, but I'm the one who accidentally shot my partner. And that is why I cannot sleep.

Up at dinner at the Seven Glaciers, Kelly Jo decides to get "all serious" with Eugene, admitting that she has the love of him: "I know I wouldn't be in love with you if I didn't feel something back from you." Huh? The word "unrequited" pops up out of the dictionary and is all, "Yes, but what about meeeeeeee?" I mean, there's some faulty logic if ever I've heard it employed. But nevertheless, a good manipulation strategy in trying to get him to love her back. Kelly Jo also doesn't expect Eugene to respond because she knows he can't, so that takes some of the pressure off him so he can just make with the tonsil hockey (y'all know I would NEVER ordinarily use that expression, but...well, Alaska is very big into hockey) as the camera pans around and around. "You are fearless, aren't you?" Eugene asks like it's the point in the movie where she's just proclaimed her love for him against all odds. I don't get the sense that any of these people know that this is actually happening to them. It's really kind of disturbing, really.

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Bachelor

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