Bachelor
Me Estella, Eugene

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Northern Overexposure

Back in his periwinkle jumper confessional, Eugene cops to having been "caught off-guard" by Kelly Jo's declaration. But it was "nice to hear," in a way that he won't be choosing Kelly Jo. Back at dinner, Eugene replies that there are things he'd like to tell Kelly Jo as well, but he just kind of, well, can't. And isn't going to. "The sad part is I still have two more things I have to do." Two more things he has to do? What is this, a Midnight Madness party? That's gotta make the other girls feel real good right about now. Including, y'know, the winner.

Like we haven't seen this before. Eugene produces, just then, a card in an envelope, which he hands to Kelly Jo to read. It's the usual blah blah he'll be yours forever but only if you spend one night IN A HAUNTED HOUSE blah blah thing, about how they can forgo their individual rooms and spend the night together in the ickily-named and never changed "Fantasy Suite." They both pause for a cursory "hmmmm" before pouncing into bed. The room is filled with pillows and clichés for feminine cues connoting romance. ["Pastrami?" -- Wing Chun] Kelly Jo tells us that she hopes Eugene can't get her out of his head on her other dates. More of that sound you dread hearing when your college roommate stumbles in wasted with a girl and thinks they're not going to wake you up. Stupid freshman year.

Oh, goody. Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Now, I've spent more than my fair share of time in Wyoming (don't worry, I made it home by spending most of my time there in a movie theater, watching Notting Hill and finding it charming), but I've never been to Jackson Hole. And I really should go, because, as I mentioned in the recaplet, everyone I know who has ever been there bows at the cult of Jackson Hole. It is the food? The cultural? The music? I think it's the "absence of feeling like you're in Wyoming." The same reason people love Austin because it's not like the rest of Texas. Either way, it's a damn cult, is what it is. We montage our way past the gates of town as an ersatz down-home kuntry twang kicks up on the soundtrack, past a sign reading "Jackson Hole" written on antlers, past a field with some sort of extremely tip-able looking animals grazing, past a stagecoach that's taken them on a fantasy date into the past, and finally to a shot of snow-capped mountains looming over a large body of water smack in the middle of this landlocked state. Jackson Hole really is a magical place! We find Eugene standing on the shores of this Lake Fake Lake, wearing the same sunglasses he was on his previous date and, oddly, what seems like an entirely short-sleeved version of his questionable Alaskan ensemble. We learn that his day with Mary is going to involve kayaking down "the river," and then, at the other end, "a picnic lunch." And then back to your cabins for a lights-out ghost story and a late-night panty raid with the girls' bunk across the lake! Camp Guiney is the best! Except it never stops kissing me!

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