Bachelor
Me Estella, Eugene

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Northern Overexposure

Eugene confessionalizes by way of confessional, "Mary and I certainly have a wonderful chemistry together." Meh. "Chemistry" moves up in the ranks as the show's most overused catch-all word. But it does prove an accurate point, seeing as when you mix his primary periodic chart element (#129 - odium) and hers (#134 - oldium) together, the result is a frothy mixture, one that smells of hair gel and rank desperation, but possesses absolutely no real substance to speak of whatsoever. Case in point: "Mary's at a point in her life where she wants immediately to have a family, and I don't know that I'm at that same stage in my life at this point." That is such bizarrely evasive language to say, "She wants kids, me not so much. She's done." Such a sad aquatic irony that they'll be spending the say going down the river when I believe the words they're looking for to describe Mary's chances are actually "up a creek."

"Hey, Mary!" Eugene girlfriend!s in his highest obbligato range as Mary steps out of her car. She's wearing a big-ass cowboy hat because they are on the range, baby. She leaps out of the car and into Eugene's arms because she never touches the ground when they're together, and she confessionalizes over this that she's "scared, but very hopeful." I feel that way too, Mary, except for anything that involves the vaguest chance of you not losing.

This is that super-active date that always makes me feel so bad for the girl who's on it, where they're all encumbered with big microphones in their mouths while riding helicopters or covered from head to toe in protective space gear while planting an American flag on the surface of the moon. Cut to Eugene and Mary in a kayak, their entire upper selves completely covered by bright orange life preservers, and their hands taken up with huge oars. It would be a huge blow to their date, but Eugene's just pretty happy that, in this position, sitting as far away from Mary as he possibly can at this moment, there is no way that he can possibly get Mary pregnant. Because she wants to have kids. And she wants to start soon. And she wanted you to know.

They row, row, row their boat, gently down the stream. Merr---no, see, that's where you were supposed to come in. Back there. At "gently." Want to try again? Okay, here we go. Row, row, row...NO. Oh, it hopeless.

Ah, the Snake River Lodge & Spa. Right in the middle of the Tetons, and get your mind the hell out of the gutter. Eugene and Mary doff their clothes for a massage, Mary wearing a white bikini that you do have to admit looks kind of awesome. For an old lady. Like the true gentlemen he is in so many ways, Eugene, upon seeing her, notes, "Ay, carumba!" And the only thing sadder than being catcalled from The Simpsons Book Of Pick-Up Lines Written By Ten-Year-Olds is that I'm sure Mary wouldn't hesitate to eat Eugene's shorts, were the opportunity presented. And then they're lying next to each other on massage tables, as licensed professionals (for this is what they are) brush honey all over Eugene's naked body. Uch. I'll be using sugar in my tea from now on, as it is the sweetener least involved in this sick charade. We learn that the massage featured, in fact, "honey and apricots." As if there weren't enough reasons to steer clear of him, now physical intimacy with Eugene can actually make you diabetic. Awesome. But Mary, greased up and mentally decorating her first child's room, narrates that "[Eugene] hopped off of his table and started to massage my feet." Get back on that table, you animal. People are paid to do that well. This is a breach. I can't take it anymore. And neither can they, as we cut to them in a shower -- like, a double shower -- and Mary admits from the safe confines of a confessional she taped while hanging out with the wardrobe department of Flashdance, "I felt very tempted. You have water and honey trickling down your body and you have the man of your dreams washing it off, it's a very tempting moment." A tempting moment for what, exactly? I'm not kidding. What was she really planning on doing here that wouldn't have gotten them duly removed from the Snake River Lodge & Spa? I'd like to know so that I can avoid it if it starts to look like it's going to happen.

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