Bachelor
Me Estella, Eugene

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Northern Overexposure

Back in Flashdance Confessional, Mary tells us that Eugene "didn't come out and verbally say it, but when I looked in his eyes he gave me an answer. And it made me feel better." Well, look a little closer, Mary, because I think if you were looking for the truth rather than the line you're dying to believe, you'd understand that one Don Henley said it best: "You can't hide your lying eyes when you've got a cheating heart." And the rest of us can see right through his. Mary and Eugene toast to a wonderful dinner and a wonderful day, and to "possibly having dessert...here." Mary looks genuinely confused. "'Here'?" Eugene tried to get the Fantasy Suite note out of his pocket fast enough to coincide with the "here," but it didn't happen in time. Go, Smooth Sammy. Mary reads the note, which Eugene rather cynically recites along with her at this point. But Mary tells us she felt "comfortable" and "safe," because if she can't help making everything about the womb, well, that's just what makes her Mary, isn't it? Lying next to each other by candlelight, Eugene asks point-blank, "You're cool with everything we talked about?" Mary says she is, because her milky cataracts have covered up the t-shirt Eugene is wearing that reads "I'm with no rose," with an accompanying arrow pointing directly at her. It's face-sucking-tastic!

Instead of the Trista-like Charlie, the quiet, dark horse of Ryan won. Instead of the personality-strong Kirsten, the quiet, unassuming Jen won. Ladies and gentlemen: welcome to your date with Estella. We seem to have popped in on the set of High School Reunion, joining Eugene on a private island in Belize. Sucking the helium that seems to be her lifeblood, Estella squeaks in a confessional that she's "so excited" about this experience. She meets Eugene on a deck as he steps off a boat that will take them to their island, as Estella tells us, "I'm going into this blind." Man, between Estella and her dad, that family is just trying to exhaust every one of the senses until there are none left, eh? Incidentally, in her choice of Eugene, Estella also strongly indicates that she doesn't have any taste. I'm just saying.

"Can you Belize it?" Estella asks Eugene on the boat. Wacka. Wacka. Wacka.

Right away, Eugene and Estella are off to snorkeling. They pull on their gear and leap in among sharks, swimming with the stock footage (and that is reeeeeeeeally obviously stock footage) and hoping not to get bitten. We fade straight to nighttime on the island, where they sit at the end of a long boardwalk and Eugene ruminates on the fact that there's another Rose Ceremony "in two days." Oh, man, two days, still? Estella, taking the opposite tack from Mary, goes totally egalitarian, asking Eugene how he's doing in what must be a very difficult time. He said it's a hard decision to make, and she offers to "help" him. As the sun goes down, they sit down to dinner, toasting to each other. Estella tells Eugene she knows what she's feeling in her heart: "I know I like you a lot." Awwww. Except, not really. But Eugene chooses her anyway. She can't imagine "walking out that door" and never seeing him again if she doesn't get a rose, adding, "That's what bums me out." Eugene responds that he's making an effort not to compare the girls to one another (well then, what are we doing here?), but that when he was with Estella, he wasn't thinking about any of the other girls. Oooh, sorry, Kelly Jo. And, at this point in the evening, Eugene pulls out the ubiquitous card. Estella sees the names on it and asks, "Who's Bob?" Indeed, readers of this recap will be asking themselves the very same question! Bob indicates himself, Eugene, with a raised finger because these two are like one of those comedy groups of two that make the people laugh, and Estella tells him that she was "just kidding," adding, "I thought it was Eugene." She reads the card aloud: "Estella and Eugene." She lets Eugene choose what their lodgings will be, and they retire to the Fantasy Suite, Estella telling us, "I'm in love with him. I want to be with Bob." Who? Back into the conveniently-located hot tub they go, Bob tells us, "I had my mind made up as to who [sic] I was going to give roses to." See, now, I don't believe that for even one-half of one second. He's scared of the fact that he still doesn't know what he's going to do, and doesn't want to hurt anyone along the way. It's a world of pain out, there, Eugene. A world of pain, indeed.

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