Bachelor
New Zealand

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Jeff Long: B | Grade It Now!
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Catch Me Now I'm Falling, And Falling, And Falling

Later that night, Jill meets Jason at the winery where he is staying. She is dressed to the nines in a short white iridescent dress and knee high black leather boots. I think the boots take away a little from the look, but that's me and maybe she was just trying to pack efficiently. Jason loves the look and wonders if his jeans and untucked shirt are insufficiently dressy. Blah, blah, she's the luckiest girl in the world.

They have dinner together in an empty, dramatically lit room. He tells us that, if dinner goes well, he has the option of inviting Jill to a night in a "fantasy suite." He thinks that spending the night with someone is an important part of a relationship. Wow -- unsexiest sentence ever. He asks her to describe how she's feeling about everything. She says that she feels overwhelmed when she's not with him, but she sees him and gets butterflies in her stomach. Hmm, I'd like some definition of the distance between "overwhelmed" and "butterflies." Meanwhile, while she's working her ass off with this flowery nonsense, he's just staring at her with this goofy expectant grin on his face.

He gives her a kiss. He tells us that he has been waiting for her to spill her guts like she just did. Then she asks him if he has something for her. She wants that invitation to the "fantasy suite." He seems a little shocked, but he gives it to her anyway. She asks him if he can handle a whole night with her. "Without a doubt." Really? This is happening? I'm a grown man, but I'd have a lot of explaining to do to the folks if I were spending the night in a hotel suite with virtual strangers. Wouldn't most people? Slutty Walt Disney. Jillian tells us that she wants to see if they CONNECT physically, but wanted to make sure he could handle "all of this fire." Light and funny, but still kind a tawdry.

In the suite, they have a champagne toast to "one of the best dates" Jason has ever had. I understand that he has to maintain suspense and all, but that's a pretty lame toast when the girl has just agreed to spend the night with you. He tells us that he has "incredibly strong feelings towards Jill." He thinks his family might like Jill more than anyone he has ever dated. "It's possible" that he might be falling in love with her.

Bikini and board shorts-clad, they retreat to the hot tub, champagne in hand. Then they start making out hard-core. She tells him that he's the most remarkable person she has ever met. Then, accompanied by Spanish music, they REALLY make out. Like, I think I see rubbing beneath the water. No, I do. I see rubbing. At one point, he has her on the edge of the hot tub and her legs are wrapped around him and she's grabbing his ass. I'm not kidding. He says that he could "feel her hands" on him. This guy is stupid. And, that's that.

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Bachelor

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