Bachelor

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The Goodyear Pimp
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So no wonder this stupid show is two hours again this week. Approximately half of that is rehashing what happened last season, and then last week. Because, you know, there would be absolutely no way anyone could follow the byzantine twists and turns of this show without spending half-an-hour revisiting such highlights as Renee blathering on and on about her vision boards, wherein she cuts words out of magazines, representing things she wants, and pastes them on a board, which most people stopped doing in, like eighth grade. And who could forget when Jackie was drunk and talked about how awesome she is? I'm sure that'll come into play tonight, so it's a good thing they showed that to us again. Not to mention all the highlights of everything that's coming up tonight, which most shows stopped doing in the '80s. But it's not because they can't fill two hours of material, right?

So much for my new year's resolution to get my blood pressure down.

It's the night after the cocktail party, which means it's time for Ty to get shipped off back home to be with his mom. It's going to be hard enough getting to know fifteen women without your kid cramping your style. Yeah, it's best that Ty goes home now. He's much too mature for the shenanigans that are about to ensue.

"I just hope one of [these fifteen amazing women] is going to be special enough to bring into Ty's life," he says.

And here come the women! Chris Harrison welcomes them in the driveway of their new home, congratulating them on being the fifteen women, out of the thousands who want Jason, who he wants to get to know better. The women all smile and applaud themselves, like they've actually ACCOMPLISHED something. Then he encourages them to go check out their new home, and then is almost trampled in the ensuing stampede. The women tear through the house like they get to keep it, and act like they've never seen bathtubs or swimming pools. And apparently they snoop through each others' luggage, because someone is quite surprised to find a suitcase filled with just shoes. "I'm just going to live out of my suitcase until he proposes," says ... I want to say, Erica?

Eventually, Chris herds them all into the living room, where he goes over the rules, which are the same as they've always been. And I don't know what time of day it is, but of course everyone is drinking already. Anyway, there will be group dates, wherein someone gets a rose, and there will be individual dates, and if you don't earn a rose there you will be going home. But there's something a little different this year: not every woman will be going on a date every week. Naomi's thoughtful analysis: That's going to "suck" for whoever doesn't get to go on a date.

So Jason strolls up in his shorts and a T-shirt unannounced, because he doesn't want the women to "mentally prepare" for his hallowed presence. Is he saying that up until now the women have been mentally prepared for this? Anyway, this is a disaster of Hindenberg proportions, from the way Kari tells it, because the women are just lounging around in their bathing suits with their hair pulled up and some of them don't have makeup on.

But Jason says this "is much more me," just hanging out and getting to know all of them. "Because one of you is going to be my wife," he says, which I hate to tell him is a little bit different from "I'm going to propose to one of you." What if they get to know him and discover he's a colossal douchebag?

Well, Shannon loved it. "I loved that, because I'm so ready for it," she says.

Jason pulls Megan aside so he can check in and see how she's doing after the attempt to vote her out last night. She's still bothered by it -- she almost starts crying -- and says she just wants to forget about the fact she got a rose by default. He gallantly assures her that he would have given her a rose anyway. "It was absolutely, one hundred percent a huge relief for Jason to say 'I want you here,'" she says in an interview, and darkly says "time will tell" when the women who tried to vote her out will have to leave. So: not going the "maybe I should try to get along" route, are we?

Oh, and then Jason either cures AIDS, ends world poverty, or takes his shirt off to get in the pool. We hear blow-by-blow accounts from several women of how time seemed to stop when he did it, and this stupid show helpfully plays it in slow motion as well, while we listen to some Chariots of Fire-esque music. "He just is so dreamy. He truly is. It's awesome," says Stephanie.

And then the wacky hijinks begin, with Jason carrying a bachelorette into the water, and Jillian getting on his shoulders for an impromptu chicken fight. In an interview, she talks about how he's getting to see her goofy side, what with that and the stupid hot dog theory. Are you kidding me? We have to talk about hot dogs again? While Jason gets some lunch, he asks Jillian about what kind of condiment she had him pegged as, and she confesses she thought he was ketchup guy. If I remember correctly, I think it's that when a guy puts ketchup on his hot dog, it means he's the kind of guy who likes ketchup. Actually, ketchup last night meant solid and loyal and loves his mother, but since Jason didn't pick it, all of a sudden ketchup now means "mama's boy." They goof around a lot, and Jason says in an interview that Jillian was a blast today, and then Jillian says she thought it would take weeks or days to be attracted to someone, but she's attracted instantly. I love how often the bachelorettes (and the bachelors) talk about how they didn't think they could be attracted to someone so quickly, after APPLYING TO BE ON A SHOW THAT REQUIRES YOU BE ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE INSTANTLY.

Then they play water volleyball. Shannon manages to stalk Jason out of the pool and put suntan lotion on him. "Touching Jason's bare shoulders and chest was a gift," she says. Maybe one of the other bachelorettes could be assigned the job of just keeping the hose on this one.

They talk some MORE about how Shannon creepily knowing everything about Jason means she's committed, and not a stalker. To me, the difference is Shannon being cute. I think if she were homely, Jason would be quite creeped out by her in-depth knowledge. "I truly am ready to be a mother," she says. As proof, she says all of her friends are married, and her pregnant friends make her squeal. Well, I'm convinced. Jason advises her to keep being her goofy self. In an interview, he says more than anyone, Shannon likes to talk about how much she wants to be here, which is weird, because this is only the second episode, and I'm only seeing edited portions, but I've heard pretty much enough out of Shannon.

So then the doorbell rings, and Lauren explains that there was just a single rose and a letter that said "Jason." Meanwhile, Jason's talking to Nikki, who says she's trying to "hold back" to give the other girls a chance. Or something. In an interview, she says there was a "mutiny" against her because she got the first impression rose. No, dear. If the other women don't like you, it's not because they're jealous. It must be that you're "not right" for Jason, or you're "there for the wrong reasons," don't you know?

So anyway, the women who answered the door interrupt Jason's conversation with Nikki to hand him the letter and the rose. The letter says, "Please give this rose to the woman you'd like to share a romantic evening with tonight." Stephanie says they were all wondering who it would go to, and she was hoping it would be her. Wow, now that's some insight. I never would have guessed that the women were wondering who it would go to. Melissa says her hands were sweaty and her heart was pounding: "I was like, 'I want that rose more than anything right now.'"

After the commercial break, Jason says he's not going to give the rose out right away. Well, that's big of him. He probably would prefer to do it at a time when he's not going to be torn apart by fourteen other women. "I could tell the nerves were starting," he confesses in an interview. Better

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