Bachelor

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The Goodyear Pimp
So it's time for the staple beach date, whith disgusting seagulls all over the place. "Melissa fits the mould of the girl I'd typically be attracted to," says Jason, which is to say fun and the kind of girl who everyone looks at. Oh, and also, she has to be ready to start a family.

They sit down to eat, starting with oysters. "You just gotta gulp it down," he says, and here's hoping that's the LAST time we have to hear that coming out of Jason's mouth, and she pretends to like the oyster, and then admits she didn't, and there is all kinds of fake laughing and painful small talk going on, and I started praying for a tidal wave to crash on the beach and take them out to the sea, especially when Melissa started blathering on about wanting to be a first-grade teacher. Like, not a TEACHER, but a FIRST-GRADE teacher, and if she has any reason for this other than "kids are so cute!" we don't hear it. We just get her saying that teaching first-grade would be "ten times more difficult" for her. Ten times more difficult than what, she doesn't say. She does want a job that makes her go home and chirp, "I did something today!" and I hate to be mean but you are twenty-five already, so WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU WAITING FOR? I mean, you're not just going on about kids because it's what Jason wants to hear, is it? Jason asks what she'll do with her summers off. "Play with my kids," she says. OK, Melissa, he gets it. You're maternal. Your ovaries are open for business.

In an interview, Jason says she surprised him in every way possible, because she "probably learned a lot" from being in a long relationship and "she wants to be a teacher now" and still there is no tidal wave to end this beach blanket boring-o-thon we have going on.

Back at the house, the women are sitting around and, I presume, thinking about inane things to say to Jason so that he thinks they're ready to be mothers, when the doorbell rings and there's a letter there. It's addressed to Natalie, Erica, Naomi, Nikki, Lauren, Kari, Sharon and Molly. "Let's put the 'glam' into 'Hollywood glamour,'" which doesn't really work as a play on words since "glam" is just short for "glamour" already. Megan says in an interview that she was bummed about not having a date yet, and she's worried about going into a rose ceremony not having had one.

Back on the beach, Melissa and Jason have scooted onto a blanket to look at the water, and then Jason is all awkwardly noticing a BLIMP hovering nearby, and Melissa says she doesn't think she's ever seen a blimp, which is weird considering she was an NFL cheerleader for three years, but she sounds oddly fake, so they probably had to stage the crucial "noticing of the blimp" scene, and then Jason is all, "What's it say?" And "Hello Melissa" is running across the blimp message sign. Jason tells her to ask a question, which she does, instead of wondering what the hell he's talking about, and asks if she's going to get a rose. "TOO EARLY TO TELL," says the blimp. He tells her to ask another question, and she asks if she'll get a kiss. "SIGNS POINT TO YES," says the blimp, so Melissa starts sucking face with Jason, because when the Goodyear blimp tells you to do something, you just do it. Melissa says the kiss was "awesome," and was her first kiss in a long time. "I love that blimp," says Jason after coming up for air. Then the blimp flashes, "WANT TO GO FOR A RIDE?" And thank god Melissa figures out that the blimp is referring to itself and not to Jason. That comes later.

We are informed that hardly anybody gets to ride in the blimp, so it was "unthinkable" that they got to, like maybe this happened for FREE or something. "Stuff like this completely leaves you speechless, doesn't it?" he says to her, and then in an interview says they saw Los Angeles in a way that nobody else has ever seen Los Angeles. Well, yeah, except for people in balloons, planes, helicopters or who have RIDDEN IN THE BLIMP BEFORE. Not that I wouldn't enjoy it myself, mind you. In the blimp, Jason tells Melissa he had a wonderful time, and gives her a rose. Then they start making out again, like so much for the spectacular view. Melissa calls it her best first date ever, and the blimp starts flashing "MELISSA + JASON". I can't BELIEVE they didn't give us a reaction shot from the other women.

Next up is the group date. Jason takes the eight women to a store and tells them to pick out whatever clothes and accessories they want. Awww. He's the best pimp ever! "Jason is treating us very well. Good boyfriend," says Naomi, like maybe Jason is PAYING FOR THIS HIMSELF or something. Natalie says going shopping is like the mothership calling her home. Crazy ladies! Shop 'til you drop!

Then they go to some boutiquey hotel and have dinner by a pool, and the women all rave about what a dream date it is, even though I can't imagine their dream dates involve SEVEN OTHER WOMEN, and Erica asks Jason what he's looking for in a relationship, and Jason snooze-inducingly blathers on about how it's important to date to get it out of your system before you settle down, and the women compete to see who can agree with Jason the most.

But when you introduce a pool in the first act, it has to go off in the -- wait, what act is this? And I guess pools don't "go off," but the clothes do, and the women get in their bikinis and some dingbat decided a "talent show" is in order, which means we watch Jason's "breakdancing," which is the slowest breakdancing I've ever seen and looks more like that dance performance you go to in college where you're trying to impress the woman in your English class and she wants to go to this performance by her roommate's first-year interpretive dance student friend, and you sit there seriously debating the various ways to kill yourself. That is what Jason's dancing is like.

As for the rest of the talent show, well, it's all bikini-based, so what are you going to do but synchronized swimming? How many talents can you perform in a pool that demonstrate you're fun and perky and wifey material? Then Molly rather boldly asks Jason if she can show him her "secret talent" and she leads him out of the pool, and all the women stop laughing like that. It's dead silent. "Molly's a sleeper," says Lauren in an interview, saying she comes across really nice but can be sneaky.

Surprise, surprise, Molly's "secret talent" turns out to be kissing, so they make out. Nikki gets royally pissed that Natalie announces the two of them are kissing, because they apparently "made a pact not to talk about someone's intimate private moments"? I guess? Natalie is acting like a junior-high school girl, but Nikki doesn't come across as mature as she says she is in an interview. I mean, if you can't handle two people kissing, you need to grow up just a little too. She says she's only kissed one person since she was seventeen, and that's her old boyfriend of eleven years. Which I guess means it's OK to get all snappish on Natalie like that.

Later, when Nikki gets her own alone time with Jason, she seems to spend most of it talking shit about how the other women in the house aren't ready to be moms.

"I really wish you could see what it's like in the house, and what people say, and how they act," she says, while he assures her he knows that she's ready to be one.

Naomi then snags some time, presumably because she wanted to get to Jason before his tongue was too sore, and then talks about how she felt she cared about Jason before she even got here, and then starts talking about how regardless of what happens, she'll always be there for him as a friend, and he hugs her, and then she says, "Can friends kiss?" So Jason dives down her throat too. "Mine was longer (than Molly's)," says Naomi, smirking, in an interview.

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