Bachelor

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The Goodyear Pimp
Not that it matters to Jason, because the rose? She goes to Molly. "I'm shocked Molly got the rose," says Naomi. "It was definitely like, eye-opening," and she's practically crying about the whole thing.

So Jason drops off the women at their house while we listen to Raquel talk about how worried she is that she didn't get a one-on-one date or a group date, so she sneaks into his limo. "He could possibly be my soul mate and I'm letting him go because I didn't try? No way," she says.

So Jason climbs in the limo, surprised to see Raquel there. "Did you have enough of me already?" she says, and he does kind of a double-take. "What is THAT?" he asks. She talks about how she wants to be here. "OK, good. Thank you for talking to me," he says. In an interview, Raquel says that she wants to marry someone who wouldn't be very likely to get married again if she dies. Wow, how very selfish of you.

So there's going to be a rose ceremony tonight, with all the women dressed up in their finest. Jason shows up to toast them all and says he knows he hasn't gotten to know everybody just yet, but that's what tonight's about. Wait a minute. There's like forty-five minutes left of this dreck. It's all pre-rose ceremony cocktail schmoozing? My GOD.

Jason sits down with Erica, and says she was a lot of fun during the group date, but on the way home she kind of "laid low" and she confesses to being bummed that she didn't get to spend any time with him. In an interview, Jason says there's kind of a "different vibe" in the air tonight.

He sits down with Lauren, who confesses to be a little uncomfortable. She feels like she's initiating everything. He says he's doing his best. In an interview, he says, "Lauren is someone who needs a LOT of reassurance, and I'm doing my best to reassure her as much as I can. But she just might need more than I can give her right now." Red flag! Send her home!

Meanwhile, since Jason's occupied, Nikki talks shit about the other women with Melissa, about how none of them realize what it means to give up their lives and go to Seattle. "They think it's literally like Sleepless in Seattle," she says. Well, she's not wrong. But she could probably stand to do less criticizing of the others. How Melissa stands sitting there I have no idea. Yes, Nikki, you're the ONLY one who has any idea what commitment means. "It's about selflessness, not selfishness," she says in an interview.

Jason sits down with Shannon, who giggles like she's about twelve which is so offputting I can hardly believe he didn't call security to escort her from the house right then and there. He gives her a little quiz on the facts of his life, and she correctly identifies the names of his niece and nephew. She says the word "cute" enough times that I think my television just doused itself with gasoline and set itself on fire so it didn't have to listen to her anymore, and I had to watch the rest of the episode online.

The other girls chat. Megan, in an interview, says she's bonded with Stephanie, and she thinks they're both "magnificent" women. Megan currently looks like a cross between Joan Collins and the girl from Napoleon Dynamite with the side ponytail. While they're all chatting, Megan awkwardly asks her about her ex, and it sure seems like someone might have suggested to her that she ask Stephanie what her "deal" is. Stephanie relates the story of how she found out her husband was dead, which makes a few of the girls tear up a little bit.

This segues into some one-on-one time with Jason, where she wants to tell him she's got a heart full of love inside her. He asks her about Sophia, and he knows that it's her birthday tomorrow. Stephanie says she's very excited, because she got her a fairy princess costume or something, because she loves to dress up but she also loves to roughhouse. In an interview, she says it's important that Sophia has a father figure. Well, what better person than someone who applied to be on this show? "Thank you for just being who you are. I think you're a pretty awesome guy," Stephanie tells him, like he just saved her LIFE or something. He thanks her. In the interview, Stephanie says if god figures they should have a connection, then they will have one. Sincerely, I hope god has better things to do.

So Jason sits down with Lisa, who I literally did not recognize, because I don't remember seeing her on camera, and she says she's nervous, and Jason assures her that he's just a "regular guy," like thanks for letting her know you're not a GOD or anything, Jason, and she explains that her grandmother is sick with cancer, and found out it's terminal. "I think, ultimately, it makes more sense to be with my family," she says. Jason says he was bummed because he didn't get to know her better, but hey, what are you going to do? Damn, Grandma's cancer. Why you got to be such a drag? Jason brings Lisa to the group to break the news to them, and they hug and leave. Shannon says she knows everybody can say that they "feel badly" for Lisa, but she admits that it's one less person for her to worry about. Lauren says much of the same thing. We don't get to hear anyone say that they feel bad for Lisa. "I want to be the one that marries him, so as long as I get a rose, I don't really care," says Lauren. Kind of gets you right in the heart, doesn't it?

"This situation has gotten really real. I mean, he's kissed four other girls in the house," says Megan in an interview. She finally gets her alone time with Jason and rambles on about how awesome it is to be a parent, but how awesome it is to be not a parent. And she works really hard, but also likes to relax. She says she can "literally lay in bed for like two days straight." Social services, take note! And is her kid named "Sawyer"? Nice work, Lost.

Unfortunately, Molly shows up, clutching the rose she's already won so she can take Jason away for a chat about what a great time she had on their date. Jason says, "You were just so, like, like, chill," which I think is almost English. Inside, Megan bitches to the other women about Molly coming over, given that she already has a rose. This is one of the aspects of the show that mystifies me the most: the bachelor (or bachelorette) never gets any blame for not simply saying, "Hold on, I'll be with you in a second." Anyway, Erica says if she had a rose already, she wouldn't do that. Moments later (or so it seems) Erica is in the kitchen drunkenly telling Molly, "You do what you have to do. No one's judging you." Both of them are unaware that Natalie is nearby, touching up her makeup and overhears everything. So after Molly leaves, Megan asks her about the discrepancy (while appearing to laugh it off as no big deal).

Erica, who is dressed like Homer Simpson's Vegas wife, denies saying two different things and stomps off into the living room to obnoxiously steamroll everyone into agreeing that she is totally awesome and not two-faced.

This must be one of those times that Nikki wishes Jason could see. But right now, he's talking to her, and she is, again, and rather BORINGLY, running down how unprepared the other women in the house are. "Everybody has got, such unique qualities. I mean, you've got amazing qualities, and they're obvious," says Jason. This is accompanied by a slow pan up Nikki's body, because the camera man knows exactly what Jason is talking about. But not even that body will save Nikki if she doesn't quit with the broken-record routine.

So Erica will just not let the fight go, stomping in and out of the living room and not letting Megan finish a sentence. Having said that, I wonder just exactly what Megan thought it would accomplish to talk about it with Erica in the first place. Erica's thoughts on Megan, in an interview: "That girl is no good." Hilariously, Erica points out this was why the other women voted her out, which means Megan can remind her, "You were second, sweetheart." Erica's comeback: "Yeah, but you know what, probably for a threat, not because we felt bad karma." A threat? Erica? Threat to appear on Jerry Springer someday, ma

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