Don't be alarmed, folks, Daniel will still be back as your regular Bachelor weecapper, offering up his opinions on the weepy Jake and the classy gals who pretend to love him in order to get famous for the rest of the season. Tonight, Daniel is just off at the airport. He said it was a family thing, but I've got a hunch that he was just hoping to catch a glimpse of Jake in action.
So, basically that means I'm stuck here trying to figure out how Jake got picked to be the Bachelor this season. Sure he's attractive, but he also cries at the drop of his hat and misguidedly stuck his nose in Jillian's business when it was clear that she was just happy being the dumbest girl on the planet. I mean, she's claiming to be thrilled about living with a guy who dumped her, then came back and who suffers from erectile dysfunction, so there's really just no helping her. We realized that long ago, but Jake didn't. Now here he is, cheesing it up for another installment, and we're saddled with the lame tagline "on the wings of love." Groan. The ABC publicity department must have been beside themselves with excitement when they came up with that one. Anyway, enough of my general discontent and skepticism about this season -- let the waterworks begin!
The voiceover tells us that America fell in love with Jake Pavelka on The Bachelorette... OK, if you say so. Jake gushes about Jillian and how much he liked her and how they had so much potential. He was crushed when she dumped him for being such a nice guy. Read: boring. He went back home to Dallas to take some time to himself. Apparently most of that time was spent walking around his apartment shirtless. Now he's ready to find a woman to love. Gag. It almost sounds like he really believes that is the point of this show. Jake, we know you just want to be famous and show the world how toned your abs are and how nice you look in your pilot's uniform, you really don't have to try so goddamned hard with the faux sincerity. He hopes to some day find the girl of his dreams. The voiceover tells us that this show is his chance, but I've seen this show, and read People magazine now and then, and I'm aware that isn't a realistic possibility. The voice over tells us that he's our new Bachelor, and shows more photos of him shirtless and exercising. I guess at least they know their audience.
Oh, lord. Now he's describing his passion for aviation. Which actually sounds more sincere than his desire to find a wife. He had a storybook childhood, was a football player, had supportive parents, yada yada. He owns a home, and does carpentry -- shirtless, of course. I bet he'd fly a plane shirtless if the FAA would allow it. He also rides a motorcycle, or at least he does for this show's purposes. Is that an attempt to look more edgy and less boring? It might almost be working. I'm slightly convinced. If it was one iota more realistic, I'd be sold. I'm sure that there are girls at home that still believe this show is real who are crying right now that they didn't get picked to date Jake.