Bachelor

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Angel Cohn: B+ | Grade It Now!
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He didn't think he'd be 31 and single. Especially since he likes to run on the beach sans top. He seems to believe that nice guys finish eventually, as he sits astride his motorcycle at the beach, in front of a sunset with a huge palm tree in the frame and a jet plane flying overhead. The clichés, they are killing me. He interviews that he's determined to get down on one knee and propose and leave this farce with a fiancé. Lord help Daniel when he gets back next week. Especially since they show scenes from the season, and it looks even tackier than ever. He's afraid of getting his heart broken... again. Because that happens on reality TV.

Chris! I missed you, you sad, sad man. He tells us that America demanded that Jake be our next Bachelor. Was that because lonely ladies watching at home just wanted to see him shirtless? Because if that's the case, I understand it, but it couldn't have been for his personality. It just couldn't have. Could it? I don't understand the world sometimes. Now to meet the 25 gals who could win Jake's heart.

First up, there's Ali! She's a hopeless romantic who has lost boyfriends to video games (really?), and her last boyfriend cheated on her with her roommate. Trainwreck! Awesome. Then there's Alexa, who also likes to ride motorcycles and has a talent for faking orgasms. Tenley is a very flexible sort of girl who looks like she did pageants for all the sparkles she has on her swimsuit. She also does musical theater and talks like Minnie Mouse. She got to play Ariel in Tokyo. Not even on Broadway. She's also been married, she was a virgin until she was married, but her husband cheated on her, so she's real sad. Tenley and Ali will have so much to talk about.

Elizabeth is a captain in the Air National Guard. She's adorable and a pilot. Let's just hook these two up now and be done with this show. Too bad she's not as flighty or girly as the other girls, because as it is she probably doesn't stand a chance. Speaking of girly, there's the trashy Rozlyn, who is a very tacky-looking model who basically thinks that all girls are bitches and jealous because she's hot. She thinks pilots are as sexy as firemen. I hate her already. Christina is a self-proclaimed "guy's girl" and admits to being a little bitchy, and she practiced small talk in the mirror. She's competitive and looks like she could cut a bitch. She might fit in better on The Bad Girls Club.

Vienna is next. Wait. WTF kind of name is Vienna? Anyway, she and her enormous fake boobs went to college but she is currently unemployed and existing as a spoiled daddy's girl who spends her days on yachts. AND she has one of those little dogs that she treats like a child and takes to restaurants. My head hurts. How many more are there? There's Ashley, who is a teacher, but gets boxes of clothes every day from her mother with skimpy clothing in it so she can be properly (un)dressed when she meets Jake. [Aww. Thanks, mom! - Zach]

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Bachelor

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