Bachelor

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Angel Cohn: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Landing Strip

There's another Elizabeth, a.k.a. Elizabeth from Nebraska (hey, that's what they call her on the official site, because apparently a last initial would be too revealing), who has had ups and downs in love and has a huge gap between her two fake boobs. I normally wouldn't comment on such a thing, but it is insanely distracting. In fact, I can't even pay much attention to what she's saying. I can't stop starring. It's like going to the freak show. She may have a pretty face, but I couldn't tell you. Ella, the single mom, thinks that Jake is Prince Charming. She's really looking forward to bringing him home to her son, so they can have a nice little life together. She also likes to box and will punch someone out if they get in her way. Classy.

Gia! Oh wait, I got excited that it was the same Gia who did the cooter shots on Rock of Love, but alas, it is just another trashy, bikini-clad girl who is a part-time model. (And now I'm singing Flight of Conchords in my head...) Gia also has fake boobs and hasn't dated too much. Now we're on to the girls who only merit a speed round sound bite: Kimberly (what is with all the normal names this season? Interesting twist, casting department) is an NBA dancer and is excited; Emily, who looks like Rory Gilmore, can't believe that she's going to meet Jake; Tiana, who is ancient at 31, is doing push-ups to look as hot as the young girls; Caitlyn is going to dominate with her pageant experience; Kirsten will cut a bitch (oh, her and Christina could be besties!); and Michelle is 25 (looks older) and is ready to be a wife.

In a limo, a bunch of ladies toast to Jillian, who ditched Jake so they could have a chance. Jake says that he's risking it all for love, but I'm not exactly sure what he is risking here. Is he losing his job or house by going on this show? Oh, his heart. Right. I forgot. Chris brings in Jake, who arrives on his motorcycle, and Chris can barely muster enthusiasm about seeing cardboard cutout Jake again. They go have a little heart-to-heart. I for once wish Chris would just be candid, and be like "dude, what are you doing here again? Are you stupid?" No, he talks about how it must be weird to have the shoe on the other foot and why America fell for him. Jake says he's lonely. And hates rainy days. I hear those and Mondays will always get you down. His game plan is to be "less intense" than he was on the first date with Jillian. They say the words "nice guys finish last" for like the 15th time tonight, and it's only 20 minutes into the episode. Chris puts him on the spot and asks if he'd give up flying for a girl who is his true love. He says yes, but you know he wouldn't. Like really, would you quit your good, paying job for a stupid girl on a reality show? No. Chris, be real.

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Bachelor

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