Season 16, Episode 3

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 1 USERS: A+
Shawntel? More like "Yawntel," amirite?

Ben Flanimal and the brain-dead bachelorettes are descending on San Francisco, which is the kind of thing the Centers for Disease Control should probably issue a warning about. Nicki says that she thinks the only way to see San Francisco is with Ben, which is one of the most depressing things I've ever heard on this show.

Apparently, it's even more special than Sonoma was special, because this is where Ben lives instead of where he's from. He wants the women to see San Francisco because one of them could be living here, in the time-honored Bachelor tradition of assuming that the little woman will move to wherever the man lives, instead of vice-versa.

Ben introduces us to his sister, Julia, and I'm not sure they're actually related because she appears to know how to use a hairbrush. They have the most boringest conversation in the entire world, as Ben tells his sister about the women he's met so far. I will note, however, that Ben refers to the woman working for her doctorate in epidemiology as a "science nerd." Then Ben and his sister agree that it has been quite a journey, whatever that's supposed to mean.

Chris Harrison shows up to the bachelorettes' hotel (where Courtney seems confused by how a telescope works) mainly to help them count up to sixteen, which is how many of them are left. He leaves behind a date card, and it's for the science nerd: "Love lifts us up: Ben." Someone suggests that means skydiving, but she doesn't want that, because she's scared of heights. Again, in time-honored Bachelor tradition, this show is going to exploit someone's deepest fear for a date. At this point, why haven't the competitors learned to say things like, "I have a fear of expensive restaurants"? Courtney displays a little insecurity about how well-educated some of the women here are, which she tries to assuage by saying that "book-smart" can be a little boring. Not nearly as boring as "total-stupid", Courtney.

Ben and Emily greet each for their date by slowly running together. They look like people who were in a car crash and had to do extensive rehab to regain the use of their legs. Anyway, the date involves climbing to the top of the Golden Gate Bridge, which sounds utterly amazing. Ben says he doesn't know how Emily does with heights, so I guess it's a BIG COINCIDENCE that he picked her for a date that involves heights.

Anyway, this show is doing its best to make us think that Ben and/or Emily could actually die doing this, despite the presence of several CalTrans employees and enough harnesses and carabineers to scale Everest. Emily says she had a panic attack, and Ben says, "Talk to me, Goose," and I'd like to point out that Goose DIED in Top Gun, not to mention how awkward things are going to be when Emily has to ask Ben why he keeps rewatching the volleyball scene over and over again.

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