Bachelor
Season 16, Episode 5

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I've Got You Under My Skinny Dipping

We're on lovely Vieques Island in Puerto Rico. I've recapped several seasons of this mess by now, and I think I've figured out how the locations get chosen. The Bachelor selects several tourist destinations and sends the local tourism department a letter threatening to come unless a substantial cash payment is made. Whichever location pays the least amount of money, that's where The Bachelor goes! That's the only possible way this makes sense.

We still have eleven women left? Good god. This season will never end! The women are taken by boat to their new home, and the parade of boob jobs runs up the beach to the new house. The groundwork is also laid for more Courtney-Emily bullshit, which I'm sure we're all excited for.

Chris Harrison comes out to do his weekly over-explain-the-rules-that-we-all-know paycheck-justification thing, and then we get to the dates. Nicki gets the one-on-one date, much to Courtney's annoyance, and the date card is read, and it's in Spanish, and it appears that Emily's the only one who can translate, and it says, "Let's find new love in Old San Juan." One of the reasons Courtney's pissed is because now she has to spend time with Emily. "You better check yourself, bitch," Courtney tells us, still displaying about as much energy as a drugged tortoise.

Nicki is weirdly excited to spend all day with Ben, which is one of the most depressing things I've ever heard anyone say. She, apparently, would be really bummed to come all the way to "this beautiful Puerto Rico" (she says it almost like she's never heard of Puerto Rico) only to go home after the first night if she doesn't get a rose.

So Ben and Nicki take a helicopter to Old San Juan, which she deems "so rad" and then they get piraquas from a street vendor and then it suddenly starts raining hard, and the two of them are valiantly acting like continuing on the date is like fighting through a cancer diagnosis. "This is what happens in travel, something always goes wrong, and you just have to roll with the punches," says Ben. I don't think we're giving them their due as true heroes for our time, guys! The fact that the rain hasn't reduced Nicki to tears and wailing is a major turn-on for Ben.

They buy some new clothes, including one of those "sweet Colombian hats" for Ben, and then they're walking by an old wall and Nicki is drawing a torturous analogy about how the wall has stood the "test of time" and how she wants her marriage to be like that, and then these two numbskulls see a wedding taking place and discuss the amazing theory that being engaged is different from being married. Nicki was married once, and Ben has opened up her eyes to the fact that it's possible to marry someone you don't hate, or something. As for Ben? "I want to walk away with a woman at the end of this," Ben tells us. He actually speaks those words. He actually thought that was a good thing to say on camera.

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