Bachelor
Season 16, Episode 7: Belize

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I Belize in Miracles, You Sexy Thing

A small propeller plane flies in over scenic waterfalls and ruins in Belize, and then Ben is touting the virtues of the island lifestyle in Ambergris Caye, as if what he's experiencing filming a television show where he's stringing along six women has anything to do with real life. He says it's crazy to think he's a week away from meeting some of these women's families.

And now the women are flying in, and Nicki gets the eye-rolling job of telling us, as we are told at the beginning of the show each week from Week 2 on in, that this is the most crucial week they've had so far.

All the women by this point are complaining about having to share Ben with other women, to which I'd like to point out that a) it's interesting that this becomes a bigger issue as the show moves along, when there are actually fewer and fewer women making out with him, so just health-wise, things are less risky than they've ever been, and b) YEAH THAT'S THE POINT OF THE SHOW.

Harrison shows up and says a bunch of stuff about what kinds of dates are going on. I wasn't really listening. I think it's three one-on-ones, and the one orgy? Lindzi gets the first one-on-one date and now Nicki is crying, like shut up, Nicki's tear ducts, and she says it's because things are really real right now. The card says something about how "Two halves make a whole" so maybe it has something to do with Lindzi's and Ben's brains.

Ben comes by to pick Lindzi up and Emily, who, having called Courtney a shark is really big into metaphors (that's what you get when you have a job that requires some sort of post-secondary education), tells us a whole thing about Ben being a slice of cheesecake in swim trunks and someone else is now eating the cheesecake like WHAT IS GOING ON IN BELIZE and now Ben and Lindzi are flying in a helicopter to this 500-foot deep pool called "the Blue Hole" and Ben is explaining this to us while sporting a tank-top sunburn. And they're going to jump straight from the helicopter into the water. And because Lindzi is scared of heights, this is one of those things that those dingbats prove they can marry each other, or something. They jump out of the helicopter, and now Ben feels like there's nothing they can't accomplish. So true! If you can jump out of things, there's nothing you can't do!

Dinner is at the Coco Beach resort, which is "kind of amazing" says Lindzi, as the boat pulls up to the pier alongside candles in the water, and there are candles on the dock, which always gives me hope for a big five-alarm fire.

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