Bachelor
Season 16, Episode 8: Hometown Visits

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Kacie and the Sunshine, Banned

Oh boy, it's the hometown dates episode! That's where the Bachelor visits the hometowns and families of the four women who are still standing in this grim death march towards Us Weekly covers and blessed, blessed obscurity. It's where parents pretend to be proud of their daughters, who this week are on television, being watched by millions, competing to be one of just three women who will be allowed to spend the night with this guy!

We start in Ocala, Florida, which is Lindzi's hometown, and we come in on a swamp with signs warning of alligators, but not gonorrhea. Lindzi's on a farm, wearing cowboy boots with real spurs. She tells some story about some guy breaking her heart, and how she "literally" thought life would end after that. Ben talks about Lindzi, saying the non-committal stuff that Bachelors do when they're not sure about someone, how he could see himself falling in love with Lindzi. Meanwhile, she's excited for Ben to be just the second man she's brought home to meet her family.

And now they're riding a carriage being pulled by a horse, and she says horses have been a part of her life since before she was born, whatever THAT'S supposed to mean.

And now they are having a picnic and Ben is talking about how great horses or some bullshit, like SHUT UP ABOUT HORSES like you'd think these two invented horses the way they're going on. And then they start using phrases like "putting yourself out there" in that Bachelor-specific non-speak non-actual-conversation think that people do on this show.

And now Lindzi is telling Ben about how she thought she was going to marry the last asshole she brought home to her parents, and this earns the Ben "she's opening up!" seal of approval, and he talks about how he saw a serious side, a sweet side, a soft side, of Lindzi, and then it's off to meet her parents.

Lindzi heartbreakingly introduces Ben as her "boyfriend" to Margie and Harry, and they are offering Ben some wine while they sit outside on some wicker furniture, and now they are talking about their relationship as though they are a real couple or something. And he learns that her parents were married at the San Francisco City Hall, which is where he and Lindzi had their first date, and Ben is all "What are the odds?" which is a weird way of pronouncing "coincidence."

And now Lindzi's dad is challenging Ben to a carriage race and ordering him to trash talk, and Ben and Lindzi lose, which means they have to pull the parents' carriage back to the house, and I kept hoping Ben would break a leg, because that would mean they'd have to shoot him.

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