Bachelor
Season 17: After the Final Rose

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How Do You Solve a Problem Like Lindsay?

"After the Final Rose" starts with Chris Harrison INTRODUCING HIMSELF, which is I guess for all those viewers who decided not to watch the finale but wanted to check out ATFR, which my brain always erroneously wants to read as Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Anyway, Chris Harrison says "late-breaking news" for the fiftieth time tonight. Are Sean and Catherine still together? Did Lindsay actually commit suicide? Also, they're going to reveal the next Bachelorette, so stay tuned!

Harrison welcomes Sean out to raucous applause, despite the fact that they've watched him act like an ass for two months straight. One woman yells, "Take your shirt off!" and he says it's not going to happen, dramatically overestimating how much appeal he holds for anyone in any other sense.

He talks about being relieved that the secret is out, because he and Catherine have been in hiding, and she's the "light of my life" and he's "so incredibly blessed." Harrison tells him there were tears in the audience at his beautiful proposal, and forgive me for generalizing, but anyone who was genuinely moved by a proposal on this show is a fucking moron.

Anyway, usually when you have "late-breaking news" you lead with it, but obviously this show has to drag everything out, and Harrison is asking Sean how tough the breakup with Lindsay was, and Sean says he hasn't cried like that since his grandfather died, and if my grandson ever said something like that I swear to god I would rise from the grave and drag him back down to hell with me. Sean, naturally, seems worried that Lindsay is going to be a total wench about it when he sees her again; you know, like AshLee was. Harrison reassures him that -- don't worry -- this night is all about him and Catherine, but they do have to deal with the Lindsay situation.

Harrison asks Sean if he's nervous. He is, because he had "such strong feelings for this woman." He doesn't know what he's going to say. I suppose "Sorry for being such an utter douchebag" is off the table? Also, I am going to continue to ignore the brutal pop-up Tweets this show has insisted on handing us, because people insist on tweeting things like "Lindsay is probably the only runner-up ever who left so like calmly and gracefully lol" so they've managed to make The Bachelor even more inane. They take something that's gross and manage to find new ways to make it grosser. Like Pizza Hut deciding to stick hotdogs in their pizza crusts.

So Lindsay comes out -- her much less raccoon-like eye makeup doing WONDERS for her -- and she appears to NOT be shattered, but asks Sean what happened. He still doesn't know, other than he fell in love with Catherine. Oh, and he didn't ACTUALLY love Lindsay as much but was contractually obligated to pretend to. And I hope Catherine appreciates her alleged future husband here saying things like "I still light up when I think of you" to the other woman Sean almost proposed to. And we learn that both Sean and Lindsay spent that final week in prayer, and this is easily the churchiest season of this show I've ever seen. Sean says "clarity" a few times and then "God reveals things on his own time," which I guess fortunately was RIGHT BEFORE THE PROPOSAL. And now Lindsay is talking about prayer again and how her faith helped her survive the cataclysm of a Sean breakup.

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Bachelor

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