Season 17, Episode 1

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Broken Hearts, Broken Rules

Welcome to the seventeenth season of The Bachelor! Seventeen? Can that be right? It doesn't seem possible that we can consider ourselves a literate, intelligent civilization and yet let this creation continue to exist. There haven't been this many Saw movies and I think I'd rather have Saw actually happen to me than The Bachelor franchise.

Meet Sean Lowe, who you may remember, if therapy has done nothing for you, as a former contestant who made a couple of comments that made people think he is judgmental of women who aren't virgins. Or something. I forget.

He drives a jeep and jogs shirtless and he is twenty-nine years old and talks to people on an iPad. He's working out and it sounds like he's doing so because this show is "physically exhausting." It's not exactly easy mentally, either.

We revisit Sean's time on Emily's season, where he made proclamations about love at Speaker's Corner in London. He says he knew that he was going to spend the rest of his life with her. And then she chose Arie over him and the world stopped spinning for a little while.

Fortunately (?) for us, it didn't. And luckily there were cameras on hand in Dallas to capture his public moping when he returned home. He talks about how this means God has a different plan for him. He takes inspiration in the marriages of his parents and his sister and brother-in-law, and he loves hanging out with his adorable niece and nephew. He wants to start a family and have a house full of "love and laughter" and we all know that this show is your ticket to a successful marriage, right?

"I'm going to go through this crazy journey again in hopes that I find the one that's meant for me," he says. He hangs out on the beach in the L.A. and stalks some poor couple getting their wedding photos taken, and makes red-flag comments about "my woman," i.e., "I wanna protect my woman" and "I wanna love my woman." You get the sense he's thinking to himself "Don't use the phrase 'baby factory.' Don't use the phrase 'baby factory'" over and over to himself.

Sean chops up strawberries for salad, and he cuts like half the top off to throw out like nice wasting of strawberries, Sean. He announces that he's got a friend coming over, and it's Arie, and they keep calling each other "Dude" and I'm not convinced they actually remember each other's names.

And then they bond over how Emily dumped both of them, and drink beer, and talk more about Emily, and talk about how tough this show is going to be, and lord am I tired of hearing these fame-craving dullards complain about hard it is to be on this show. Looks like Season 17 will continue this show's "all filler, no killer" tradition by padding out the two-hour run time with wacky shenanigans like Sean practicing how to say "Will you accept this rose?" and then he practices breaking up with Arie. And then Sean says, "People describe me as 'the all-American guy,'" and it's a wonder the camera can get both Arie and Sean's massive ego in the frame at the same time. And now Sean is asking Arie about tongue technique and then my heart actually stopped pumping blood to my extremities and I think it then went to commercial.

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