Bachelor
Season 17, Episode 2

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 1 USERS: D-
YOU GRADE IT
Pranks for the Memories

It's the second week, so we're down to nineteen women, which is still far too many to worry about making any kind of effort to remember their names yet, right? Or acknowledge that they are human beings with hopes and dreams and emotions, right? Judging from the previews, Tierra is this season's villain, which makes her Sauron or Voldemort or Hitler, on this show, relatively speaking.

Yawn Lowe is working out, shirtlessly, obviously, and showering, probably with his shorts on. He is lying to us about how he thinks his wife was in the room last night. Speaking of the women, they're all hanging out in the mansion when Chris comes in and talks about how Sean is the most sincere bachelor ever, which I hate to tell him is like being the best hockey player from Egypt.

The date cards! Sarah, are you ready to fall in love today? AshLee is "fully jealous" that Sarah gets to spend the whole day with him. Sarah, sounding like she's waking up after being chloroformed, says she's really excited, and she says having one arm doesn't mean she can't have any fun.

Seriously, how many goddamn helicopter rides do we have to have on this show before the women stop acting like it's a big deal? Sean gets out, escorts Sarah to the helicopter, and they take off. Leslie says Sean and helicopter is super-duper studly. You guys know he's not flying the thing, right?

Here are other things not affected by Sarah having one arm: Her ability to love. The way Sean will treat her. Plus I imagine there are perks, like spending half as much the rest of us do on oven mitts! Oh god, I'm so sorry. For me, not treating her any differently because she has one arm means I plan to make fun of her just as much.

Sean is impressed that at the cocktail party Sarah went ahead to address her lack of arm right away, and I agree her doing it put him at ease, and her confidence (plus her looks) is why he picked her for this date.

The helicopter lands on a building, and they go to the edge, and Sean announces he brought her here for a champagne toast -- all the way down at the bottom, because they're going to "free-fall" 300 feet. Judging from the previews we already saw, Sean has no idea what "free fall" actually means.

Number of times Sarah says "oh my god" or "oh my gosh": one thousand, three hundred and sixteen.

The two of them get all rigged up while the instructor or whatever says they're going to be dropped at forty feet a second. Sarah is freaking out, so Sean suggests they sit down first into things. Sarah puts her arm around him.

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