Bachelor
Season 17, Episode 3

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She’s Crazy For Trying and Crazy for Crying

Wait, so someone gets injured tonight? Is it all of them?

Sean is working out, as he does, and confessing that he wants to have sex with pretty much all of the women in the house, which is just how romantic this show is.

Meanwhile, Harrison is talking to the sixteen remaining hostages -- we are still in that stages where I'm not convinced all of the women in the room have actually been here all along because there are still faces I don't recognize.

A date card arrives. Robyn hopes it's addressed to her and says, "Robyn, let's ditch these bitches and fall in love for real." It's probably not going to say that, but I do have my fingers crossed.

It is for Lesley M. "How long will this love last?" You mean on-camera or off-camera? Which one's Lesley? Oh, right, the cute "political consultant" who hates nerds, right? Sean picks her up in a car which as far as I'm concerned is not a helicopter, and they head down to the Guinness Hall of Records in Hollywood, and you can tell Lesley is trying to pretend that it doesn't matter where she goes as long as she's with Sean but actually hates that this isn't a really glamorous date.

Sean reveals that his dad has the record for driving through the contiguous forty-eight states in the shortest amount of time -- ninety-seven hours and seven minutes. Lesley is blown away by this, and it's kinda cool but seriously, he just drove a lot. Lesley is acting like Sean's dad was the first man in space.

So Sean wants them to set their own record, which will be the world's longest on-screen kiss. Harrison is there to explain that the longest on-screen kiss is three minutes and fifteen seconds, and he helpfully explains that to break that, they need to kiss for at least three minutes and sixteen seconds. This is amazing for anyone who doesn't understand how sequential numbers work.

Ugh, let's get this over with. We're really going to have to watch this, right? I mean, if they don't show the whole thing, it's not really on-screen, right? We go into a split-screen kinda like 24 but if 24 were about a couple of idiots pretending to fall in love on camera. Most of the time all segments show different angles of them kissing, but occasionally we get to hear their banal observations like "I was just trying to keep kissing her so that we could get the record," essentially. "Kissing Sean puts me on Cloud 9, and I don't ever want to stop," says Lesley. Sean's hand starts to migrate south, maybe hoping to add world's longest on-screen grope to his title. Harrison is asking dingbats in the crowd what they think of this, but keep in mind these are people who have nothing better to do than stand and cheer on a couple of strangers kissing. "That was a very easy record to break for me," says Sean. Very easy record for anyone to break -- well, providing they have a way to be on television.

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Bachelor

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