Bachelor
Season 17, Episode 4

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 1 USERS: A+
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Nights of Whine and Roses

Chris Harrison strolls into the mansion full of women and says he thinks things are going "very, very well" here, and I can't help but wonder by which metric is he making that judgment. No one seriously maimed or contracted an STD yet? None of the contestants has slept with a producer (yet)? Not as many sleepless nights wondering how to atone for inflicting this show on our world?

There's a date card for Selma, bumming Leslie out, since she had a "great conversation" with Sean last night, which should at the very least translate into marriage. "Let's turn up the heat," is what the card says. Selma is excited about the date, and then taking it to "the next level" and then "the next level" and then "having babies," not to get ahead of herself or anything. Leslie is crying actual tears over not getting the date. Better save some of those for later, Leslie.

Sean tells us he's had a connection with Selma (translation: killer rack) from "night one" (as though "night one" is a real phrase). He says some dumb shit about how people judge Selma by assuming she's just a pretty face, and let's just say no one ever holds their breath waiting for a contestant on this show to dazzle us with brains. But please, let's all wait to be impressed with Selma's brilliance over the next twenty minutes or so.

They have a private plane waiting for them. Sean thinks Selma assumes they're going somewhere really glamorous. He assumes she thinks this, despite the fact they've got workout clothes on. Meanwhile, Selma seems to be impressed enough just by the fact that they're on a plane, so maybe Sean doesn't have to work very hard tonight.

After what seems like real-time hours of flight, they land in the middle of a desert. "I do not do well in heat. At all," Selma tells us. She's feeling so many emotions! Disappointment! Petrification! They get in a Jeep and Sean has to impress everybody by peeling out really fast (although the credit bloopers tonight will be the lie to his supposed prowess at Jeep driving). They enter Joshua Tree National Park, which is teeming with non-existent crowds. Selma tells us again she doesn't do well in heat. "I feel puffy, so this should be interesting," she says. Oh, if only. Still waiting for her to demonstrate all that substance beneath that pretty face!

So they're going rock-climbing, despite Sean apparently knowing she's not very athletic. Also, she hates heights. Does she like anything? They strap their gear on and get ready to be hoisted a hundred feet up a crevasse to the top.

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Bachelor

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