Bachelor
Season 17, Episode 5

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Do Not Pass Goat

Chris Harrison greets the remaining hostages by saying "Congratulations" for some reason, and then tells them there's a group-sex date, a one-on-one and a two-on-one. They all groan because they know what the "two-on-one" means. Most of them probably can't identify their Congressperson, but they know what a two-on-one date on The Bachelor means.

They're all going to Montana, maybe because the relatively sparse population means they can't spread venereal disease as rapidly out there? Or Montana drew the short straw?

Sean arrives in Montana in a seaplane, and tells us what an "outdoorsy" guy he is, and how this is going to be rough on some of these delicate flowers that he's dating. Meanwhile, the women are likewise arriving in Whitefish and scaring away all wildlife by screeching uncontrollably.

The first date card is discovered: It's for Lindsay. "Let love soar. Sean" is what it says, and Lindsay cries a little because it means so much for her to get that little extra attention, which is not unlike a lobster being excited to be plucked from the tank. Sean arrives to pick her up, and they walk out to where a helicopter is waiting on the lawn. "Is that a helicopter?" asks Lindsay. She's ... not sure if it's a helicopter? The other women all go out on the deck to watch the helicopter take off, like this doesn't happen every week on this show.

They go to Glacier National Park, which is a great choice in that their bodies wouldn't be found for years. Lindsay says she's never felt so close to somebody as Sean, which makes me feel inestimably sad for Lindsay.

They have a picnic on a mountain or some damn thing, and it looks like they're freezing, and then they start making out. "I'm just feeling so happy and blessed," Lindsay tells us.

And then later at the lodge, Sean is toasting to an incredible day and an even more special night. All they've really done is gone from lying on the grass to lying in front of a fireplace. Sean asks about her being an Army brat, and she talks about her father being gone for much of her "adolescence" and how she moved around a lot. And now that that's done with, they get back to ramming their tongues down each other's throat.

Back in the women's lodge, a group-sex-date card arrives, and AshLee reads it out: "You make my heart race..." It's for Selma, AshLee, Desiree, Catherine, Sarah, Lesley, Robyn and Daniella. AshLee, for one, is a little surprised at how gleeful Tierra is at going on the two-on-one date. I mean, say what you want about Tierra -- at least she's confident. At least for now.

Sean and Lindsay are wrapping up what is perhaps the most boring date ever seen on this show, and he gives her the rose, and then they start kissing again, for a nice change of pace. Sean tells us they come from two different backgrounds, but they share "the same morals" by which I assume he means, "She's not going to expect to have a career or a say in major household decisions or anything."

And then they go wandering out into Whitefish, where some sort of street concert is going on by someone named Sarah Darling, whoever that is, and I'm sure the good folks of Whitefish appreciate Sean and Lindsay being put up on a platform and blocking the view of the people behind them while they make out and slow dance to this bland pseudo-music.

And now this Sarah Darling is singing this song about wanting to be someone's bad habit, and it appears there are some idiots in the crowd who are actually taking pictures and shooting video of Sean and Lindsay dancing, and I'm sorry, Whitefish, but apparently you deserve whatever you get.

Another day, another chance to despoil the natural beauty of Montana. Sean says he's not necessarily looking for "an outdoorsman wife," whatever that is, but he wants someone who can wear heels one day and, I don't know, build a lean-to the next. Translation: Be rough but also girly! Be tough and soft! Assist me and pleasure me!

Anyway, the group date is at a ranch or something, and Chris Harrison greets them to explain about some stupid relay race, where they're going to ride a canoe, buck hay, saw a log and milk a goat. And also one of them needs to drink the goat milk because this is stupid. Desiree announces she will down goat milk to spend more time with Sean. There are some awful swallowing connotations happening here, and I'm sure that's PURELY UNINTENTIONAL.

There is a little more screen time than necessary spent watching the women decide who's going to do what part of the relay race, not to mention explaining that the loser goes back to the lodge immediately. You know, like what happens EVERY TIME THERE'S A TEAM COMPETITION on this show.

The race starts with the canoe portion, and none of the women in the canoes seem to have ever used a paddle in their lives. Eventually the Blue Team docks their boat and gets to work bucking their hay, but a bale falls apart, giving Red a chance to catch up, and pass Blue to move to the cross-cutting portion of the competition. Red finishes first and heads to the milking, the duties being handled by Desiree who finishes and chugs the milk long ahead of Blue. "Weak people piss me off, and losing pisses me off," says Lesley, in classic "This is everyone's fault but mine" fashion. Catherine was also looking forward to spending extra time with Sean, but she's apparently one of the "weak people" Lesley is talking about, so I guess she's got no one but herself to blame.

So Red -- Desiree, Selma, Robyn and Sarah -- head out for dinner, while Sean whines about the "sinking feeling" he had watching the Blue team leave, and how it's a little late in the game to be letting people go when he hasn't had a chance to spend time with them, and by this point it's obvious Chris thinks the season should just be him having sex with his pick of twenty-five women every week. He says he decided to "bend the rules" like there has ever been anything close to approaching "rules" on this show.

Apparently Harrison is then dispatched to the mansion with a date card for the Blue Team -- AshLee, Lesley, Daniella and Catherine -- that explains sending them home didn't feel good for poor li'l Sean, so he wants them to join him for dinner. After all, why should the format of the show dictate that he has to periodically send people home? Harrison does his best to dress it up by saying Sean was wondering, what if his wife is on the Blue team? I suppose the answer is that I'm not aware of any law that prevents you from marrying someone just because she didn't chug a pint of goat's milk before another woman. Maybe in Alabama? Red Team is understandably excited to head out for dinner.

Meanwhile, Sean is breaking the news to Red that Blue Team is going to be joining them, and because it's such a preposterous idea, they at first think he's kidding. When they realize that really is a sick, self-centered asshole who made them work their asses off for nothing -- and made Desiree chug the goat's milk -- they're angry, although not to his face, of course, because then he might get the idea that women have opinions and that not every decision he makes is wise and good.

Back at the house, the losers get ready. Daniella thinks this decision shows how much character Sean has. Well, it does, but it's not a positive thing, as even she'd likely admit if she's being honest, since she knows Red team's not going to see it as a good thing. Then again, she says, "The girls are literally going to die [sic] when we get there," so we probably don't need to pay too much attention to what Daniella says or thinks. Even Tierra -- who wouldn't have known when the women left that a losing team would be coming home, and who wouldn't get to spend time with him either way -- is pissed that the losers don't have to stay losers all night.

Back at dinner, the "winning" team members are complaining to each other -- not to Sean -- and Selma is so mad that she's talking about herself in the third person. The losers arrive, and Sean seems utterly oblivi

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