And now The Bachelor is in Canada, land of brown bears and waterfalls. And the next time I'm fortunate to be at majestic Lake Louise, I have to remember that Sean and his harem came here, and make sure my vaccinations are up to date. Was there really no way we could hold them up at the border? Confiscate their passports and throw them in jail? Where's our Guantanamo? Not cool, Canada. NOT COOL.
Chris Harrison welcomes them to the previously unsullied beauty of Banff National Park and I wish there were a Mountie or two there to glower at them, in front of Chateau Lake Louise, which is amazing and expensive, although maybe not so much now that it's been all skanked up. Having The Bachelor there is worse than finding out that some hotel guests have set up a meth lab.
The date card arrives. Of the remaining women, Catherine, Daniella and Tierra have not had one-on-ones. This one is for Catherine: "Let's find our fairy-tale ending." I love the way whoever reads the date card says "Sean" at the end, in case the date might actually turn out to be with Chris Harrison.
And cut to Catherine waiting for Sean in a little bit of wind and snow, and she is "scared as hell" for some reason, like lady, if you think this is a blizzard, then I'd hate to see how you'd handle actual winter in Canada. Finally, Sean drives this huge snow bus up over the hill and apparently they've moved on to Jasper National Park, which is also nice but no Banff. They're at the base of the Columbia ice fields, and Catherine is melting over Sean's ruggedness.
Sean tells us he needs to "turn things around" this week, by which I hope he means he has to stop handing out roses to the head cases and maybe concentrate on spending time with women who are able to experience actual happiness. They go tobogganing and somersaulting in the snow, and Sean says he wants someone who can "enjoy life," like it's so hard to enjoy life when you're travelling North America on The Bachelor's dime. And then Sean says "Canada, eh," like FUCK YOU, SEAN.
And now after somersaulting in the snow to prove what an in-the-moment kind of woman she is, Catherine gets to ride some sort of horse-drawn carriage (they're no longer on a glacier, obviously). They visit an ice castle that Sean says was built just for them, which I can't believe is remotely close to being true. Can you imagine spending all that time to construct an ice castle only to be told it's going to host The Bachelor and whoever he's currently trying to get into bed? It's one of the most romantic settings he's ever been in, he tells us, and they cuddle on a couch under a blanket (neither of which are actually made of ice).
Back at the lodge, there's another date card, and Daniella says she'll be upset if she's part of a group date because she is "literally" the only one who has "not had, like, a long amount of time with him" and maybe she should just leave off using "literally" altogether, as she's the one who thought the Red team would "literally die" when Blue team showed back up at dinner last week/night.
It's a group-sex card for Tierra, Sarah, AshLee, Lindsay, Selma, Lesley and Daniella. "Let's bare our souls..." Who's it from? Oh, it's from Sean. Everyone seems to know Daniella's upset about not getting it, which I take to mean she spends every possible moment whining about it, and she reassures everyone that she's not suicidal about it, although her tears say otherwise.
Back at the ice castle! Catherine says she wants Sean to know why she is the way that she is. Do we even know what she is that she needs to explain? Oh, she's talking about a traumatic experience when she was twelve: She and her friend went to summer camp, and she was walking with a friend along a trail, and then a tree fell on the girl and killed her instantly. "At twelve years old, I realized that things can be taken from you very easily," she says And apparently this tree killing her friend is why she wants to find someone to spend the rest of her life with? I mean, that's what she says. Not to minimize her trauma, but that's a conclusion even people who haven't witnessed trees killing our friends manage to come to.
But she gets a rose because of course she does, because there's no way Sean's going to say, "I'm sorry a tree killed your friend, but I need a little more than that." And it sounds like Sean is thrilled to find out about this tragedy in Catherine's life because it gives him the hope that things are going to turn around here, not to mention a tragedy boner. I have no idea what is going on here, but Catherine seems nice enough and she's gorgeous so a tragic backstory is just icing on the cake for Sean.
Group-sex time! Sean is hoping that the good time he had with Catherine carries over to the group-sex date somehow. Well, let's hope they have some childhood catastrophes to share with him! He tells them he's got something "so fun" (have we all given up on that grammatical abomination?) planned for them. They're canoeing across the lake. Three canoes for eight people: three women in two canoes each, and one woman with Sean, and Lesley immediately volunteers to be the one in Sean's canoe. AshLee seems a little put out by how quickly Lesley jumped on it, but she forgets how suck-uppingly she ran ahead of all the other women to hug Sean when they arrived.
There is thrilling canoe video of them making their way across the lake, with Lesley kicking back and relaxing while Sean does all the work. Selma says she wanted a shark to eat them, and I hate to explain to her that we don't have SHARKS in CANADIAN LAKES and then she laughs in a way that suggests she's not actually from Earth, so I'm not going to worry about it too much.
And the "so fun" part of the date is that they're going to join the "Lake Louise Polar Bear Plunge" club, which involves them jumping in the lake, which is just above freezing. Sean tells them they don't have to do it if they don't want to, but he hopes they will. Selma decides that any activity that requires an EMT on hand isn't for her, and opts out. Tierra is equally worried. Of course, ABC has been gleefully promoting the suggestion that she almost dies at every commercial break since last week, so we know this isn't going to go well. You know, assuming she's not just playing it up for Sean and the cameras.
Sean tells us a couple of women seem "stoked" to do it, while others seem "not so stoked" and he clarifies that he generally prefers women in the "stoked" category. AshLee is nervous about doing it, but she doesn't want to be a chicken. And of course Sean is completely lying when he says they don't have to, given the way he cajoles Selma into trying it. He badgers her, telling her this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. She correctly points out that she can jump in a lake ANY TIME.
They women get undressed and into the provided robes, with Lesley hoping that if she gets hypothermia, Sean will give her CPR, which DOES NOT FIX HYPOTHERMIA, like CRACK A BOOK ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU IDIOTS.
Peer pressure takes care of everyone (but Selma), and they all head out to the water, and take the robes off. Daniella hopes Sean appreciates this, which is hilarious since he's pretty much ignored her up until now, so it's not like this is an ultimatum with any kind of power. "Sean is hot, I'm hot, let's just jump in and get cold together," she says.
So they all run in, dunk themselves and run back out again, then bundle back up. Lesley, Sarah and Daniella actually seem to have enjoyed it. AshLee's proud of herself, but she's never going to do it again, she says.
Oh, and Tierra can't breathe, apparently. The EMTs wrap her up. Sean says he wants to do everything he can to help, but he's not a professional --- or an acting coach -- and he really hopes Tierra is OK.
Gritty handheld camera and dramatic music accompany the scenes of the medics carrying a shivering Tierra to an SUV. It's one of those totally serious life-threatening situations where the ca