Season 18, Episode 1

Episode Report Card
admin: C | 44 USERS: B-
Love at First Bump

This season on The Bachelor -- a hot guy makes out with a whole bunch of women and America pretends that a weeks-long round-the-world vacation with tons of different fantastical dates breeds true love.

Juan Pablo Galavis is our bachelor this year. He was born in New York, grew up in Venezuela, appeared on The Bachelorette, and then became The Bachelor. He did a stint as a professional soccer player, and now works in a sports marketing job that allows him to go around the country and visit Venezuelan baseball players who tease him lightly about being on this show. He's got an adorable almost-five-year-old daughter named Camila Valentina (on account of her being born on Valentine's Day) and he and Camila's mom broke up a couple of years after Camila was born. He likes to salsa dance under overpasses.

His parents and Camila are joining him in Los Angeles for a couple of weeks so he can help impress upon the women competing for his hand that this little girl is actually the most important woman in his life. He's ready to fall in love and expand his family, ladies, and he likes to contemplate that on mountaintops as well as on the beach at sunset after kicking around a soccer ball!

He has no idea how to handle this many women at once, so he calls up former Bachelor Sean to get some advice. This show may make me mildly uncomfortable about the human race, but I'm not going to lie that there are far worse things to imagine than being the meat in a Sean-Juan Pablo sandwich. ROWR. "Who else I was gonna call?" asks JP. Well… your selection is severely limited given the success rate of the previous Bachelors, so it was probably going to be the one who is getting married on television in a couple of weeks. To be fair, JP admits that he knows the success rate is less than stellar. He then wins me over a bit by admitting he wants to call it something other than a "journey" (Sean suggests "adventure," which is only mildly less hokey) and then wins me over a lot when he admits that he's terrible with names. Seriously, when I've thought about if I were ever to hit my head on a bedside table and wake up a different person and try to go on this show, one of the first thoughts I have had is that the producers would hate (or love) me for my ability to forget someone's name even as I am repeating it out loud. It's a special gift. Sean advises that JP should admit that up front and go with it, and to just ride out the insanity some of them will bring when they arrive in wacky outfits. He also advises JP to kiss anyone he wants as long as he doesn't let the others see him do it.

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