Bachelor
Season 18, Episode 3

Episode Report Card
Lauren S: C | 19 USERS: B
YOU GRADE IT
Kick to the Heart

This week on The Bachelor: a bunch of girls want a solo date with Juan Pablo. They can't hide their disappointment when Chris shows up instead of JP, and he tells them that there will be two solo dates and one group date this week and reminds them that if the solo dater doesn't get a rose, she has to go right home, but if she does she's safe until the next week. He then puts the next date card on the table, and Cassandra wins the first one-on-one date. Renee reminds us that for her and Cassandra, the stakes are higher than for the others since they have kids too, just like JP.

While the girls fret about JP, he's having a picnic in the park with his daughter and parents in Long Beach, and says he's glad that after he has his dates, he can have regular family time with them. He reminds us of his promise to Cassandra from last week not to waste her time if he realizes this isn't going to work out, since she has a son and can't fuck around going on dream dates and pursuing a ridiculous falsified sense of love like the other women who don't have children. He's waiting for her with a gaudy green and grey topless Jeep, and while they cruise she tells us she hasn't been on a first date since she was 18 (she's only 21 now) which is why she's nervous. Girlfriend, it doesn't necessarily get better, by the way. He then turns and drives the truck directly into the water, because it's a Top Gear-ish truck/boat but works much better than anything on that show since it actually stays afloat and they go tearing around the bay.

Back at the house Renee and Elise are catching up, talking about why they came on the show. Renee figured why not, since dating as a single mom is hard. Elise tells Renee that her mom got melanoma and wrote a Bachelor application letter. After her mom passed away, Elise found the letter and took it as a sign that it was meant to be. Look, honestly, it's the best reason I could imagine to actually put yourself through going on this ridiculous show.

After tearing around on the water, JP drive-boats them up to a yacht and they get on and strip to their bathing suits. The two have a Bachelor-obligatory hand-holding jump into the water and then cuddle and make out. They then go to what I think is the house where JP is living and admire Camila's drawings stuck to the fridge as he tells us he wants to make it homey so that Cassandra will open up. This involves teaching her how to dance with their pelvises touching and Cassandra admits she's surprised to have "these" feelings. That's what happens when a man dances with a pretty girl, honey -- you might have forgotten in the three years since your last date, which has been mentioned now four times. Oh wait, she means EMOTIONS. My bad.

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Bachelor

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