Bachelor
Season 18, Episode 7

Episode Report Card
Carla Sparks: B | 24 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Double Negative

This week Juan Pablo is taking the girls to Miami, possibly hoping there will be less of a language barrier. It is his home town, after all, and in Miami nobody cares that you don't know common phrases and idioms. JP drives up to his estate, eager to surprise the main lady in his life: Camila. You may have heard what this man usually considers a pleasant surprise (a full-frontal nudie shot!), so yeah this little visit with his family is not going to make me think he's a good person.

In the car ride through Miami, Clare won't shut up about all the things she's excited to do in their collective boyfriend's home town. She wonders if they'll meet his friends and family, keeping that same look on her face that looks exactly like this emoticon: :>D. They arrive at their penthouse suite and Clare is like :>D ! Boxes of bikinis await the women, just to remind them that they are for looking at and best keep any dark emotions out of their time in the land of sun and sand!

Sharleen's cloud will not be lined with silver, however. She's already thinking in advance to the hometown dates and she's not ready to introduce this man, nay, this stranger, to her family. Sharleen is the only person who continues to act like a real person with realistic, real-world expectations on this show and I love her for it. Also, she might be a vampire?! JP tells his brother, who is one of those adults who wear braces (not even an Invisalign!), that Sharleen really stood out to him for being elegant and different. Obviously, we are setting Juan up for a big, big bummer. I can't wait. He deserves it for (probably) fucking Clare in the ocean and then making her feel bad about it.

JP arrives at the penthouse to greet his six girlfriends and deliver the date card. He reaches into the pocket of his shorts and gives Sharleen the date card. She is underwhelmed, never one to give the cameras the reaction they'd like. Nikki looks furious. The date card says something about "let's sea the city," and Sharleen is like, "right now?" and all the other girls are like, "I don't get it, why isn't she thankful to hang out with our boyfriend? This is normal stuff!"

Sharleen dons a maxi dress, laced with extra doubt, and they head out. The other girls sit on the terrace and talk shit about Sharleen. They compare notes, trying to figure her out, and discover that Sharleen's type is "intellectual men." They denounce smart guys as nerdy, because smart is not exactly Juan Pablo.

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