Bachelor
Season 18, Episode 8, Part 2

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Juan Pablo is at a beautiful resort in Saint Lucia and tells us he's two weeks away from proposing so he's really got to make some good decisions now. I guess this is instead of just enjoying getting his hands and lips (and maybe some other body parts) on as many tight, bikini-clad bodies as he can? He explains that this week they will go on overnight dates, which are dates with no cameras that give him and his ladies the chance to do a lot of talking. You know he's looking forward to speaking the same language he and Clare spoke in the ocean in Vietnam.

Speaking of Clare, she's up first to see him. She is, of course, giddy and repeatedly refers to JP as the man of her dreams. I don't know about you, but in my dreams I'm not fighting off hordes of other women just for a man to choose me. Clare tells us that if JP asks her to stay the night, she's not sure yet of what her answer will be, which I don't really believe for a second.

He takes her onto a yacht, and she's a little surprised to find that their date could feature ocean swimming after the joy and subsequent shame and disaster of last time. She gets pretty comfortable pretty quickly, though, and the two of them make out in a tangle of limbs for a while. She asks him what he thought about spending time with her family, and while he finally concedes that Laura (Lara?) doesn't seem to like him, he claims that he loved all of them. After he left, Laura apparently kept brushing off anything Clare said about her true, deep feelings because she thinks this is all just a show for the TV cameras. Apparently their mom was kind of nodding about that, but Clare is convinced she's in love and when she reminds her mom that she and Clare's dad were engaged three weeks after they met, her mom has to admit that true love really can happen that fast. Clare takes this to mean that she has come around and is totally supportive of her feelings for this stupid dude. She and JP do some very Titanic-esque snuggling at the prow of the boat and then dare to go swim in the ocean once again.

Later, the two make their way to a torch-lit dinner and for his part, JP doesn't even seem to doubt that Clare will accept the invite to talk all night in private. They talk some about Camila, and how Clare would want to assure her that she wouldn't be trying to take the place of Camila's mom, and JP finds this totally endearing. He then whips out Chris Harrison's personal invitation to the fantasy suite, and asks her how she feels. She hesitates for a long while and then brings up Vietnam and somehow makes it her problem again, blaming herself once more for not taking into account how worried JP might be that Camila could be scandalized by his actions. Look, I realize that sentence makes no sense -- it's because none of this makes sense and it's just kind of gross and sad.

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Bachelor

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