Tonight on The Bachelor: Ben Flahjjnqnésajn sleeps with three busted-up white girls, then picks which two were the best! I love the overnight dates -- it's a sign you're getting close to the end of a long journey. It's like when the flight attendant makes the announcement to return your chairs to the upright position because the plane is about to begin its descent. Although in this case the women are instructed to assume a horizontal position.

Ben packs up in his hotel room, talking about some inane shit about how he has one more "key card" in his journey, which is Switzerland, and how he can see a life with all three of these women, but he doesn't mean it in a Big Love way. As far as we know, he's still planning to ask only one to marry him.

First up, Nicki: there's always something "enticing" about Nicki. She's a dark horse, and she deserves a Nobel prize for not curling up into a fetal position when it rained on their date in Puerto Rico. Jesus, this show lasts only ten weeks -- you don't GET A CLIP SHOW. The Bachelor thinks we all have the attention span of gerbils.

Lindzi is a little bit country and a little bit city, and Ben wants to have sex with a horse, or something. He says Lindzi is funny and open, and plus he'll get to pull his in-laws around in a carriage.

Also, there is Courtney.

We see some amazing shots of Switzerland that immediately send it to the top of my dream vacation list. You know, after they hose it down after The Bachelor leaves. Ben is wandering around eating cheese and chocolate and being neutral and talking about he thinks this week will give him the clarity he needs to make his decision.

We're in Interlaken, which literally means "intercourse" in Swiss or whatever. Nicki's up first, and she's talking about how glad she is that she told Ben she loves him. She really should wait a week or so before deciding whether it was a good idea right?

And I guess we're expected to be "stoked" (as Lindzi puts it) for another helicopter ride? Isn't the helicopter basically the subway of The Bachelor. They fly around for a while over the Alps, mainly so Ben can say stupid shit like their relationship is "going to new heights."

They land on a mountain meadow, and then start blathering about meeting Nicki's family, and how "big words were said," and now Nicki is telling us AGAIN how happy she is that she told Ben she loved him. Nicki yammers on about how well Ben fit with his family, and Ben says her father reminded him of his father, and she says "like" every three words and then she wants to "yell" off the mountain, only there sadly isn't enough snow for an avalanche.

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