Bachelor
Bachelor

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 57 USERS: C+
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If We Don't Get A Rose, The Tierrarist Wins

Back at the lodge, there's another date card, and Daniella says she'll be upset if she's part of a group date because she is "literally" the only one who has "not had, like, a long amount of time with him" and maybe she should just leave off using "literally" altogether, as she's the one who thought the Red team would "literally die" when Blue team showed back up at dinner last week/night.

It's a group-sex card for Tierra, Sarah, AshLee, Lindsay, Selma, Lesley and Daniella. "Let's bare our souls..." Who's it from? Oh, it's from Sean. Everyone seems to know Daniella's upset about not getting it, which I take to mean she spends every possible moment whining about it, and she reassures everyone that she's not suicidal about it, although her tears say otherwise.

Back at the ice castle! Catherine says she wants Sean to know why she is the way that she is. Do we even know what she is that she needs to explain? Oh, she's talking about a traumatic experience when she was twelve: She and her friend went to summer camp, and she was walking with a friend along a trail, and then a tree fell on the girl and killed her instantly. "At twelve years old, I realized that things can be taken from you very easily," she says And apparently this tree killing her friend is why she wants to find someone to spend the rest of her life with? I mean, that's what she says. Not to minimize her trauma, but that's a conclusion even people who haven't witnessed trees killing our friends manage to come to.

But she gets a rose because of course she does, because there's no way Sean's going to say, "I'm sorry a tree killed your friend, but I need a little more than that." And it sounds like Sean is thrilled to find out about this tragedy in Catherine's life because it gives him the hope that things are going to turn around here, not to mention a tragedy boner. I have no idea what is going on here, but Catherine seems nice enough and she's gorgeous so a tragic backstory is just icing on the cake for Sean.

Group-sex time! Sean is hoping that the good time he had with Catherine carries over to the group-sex date somehow. Well, let's hope they have some childhood catastrophes to share with him! He tells them he's got something "so fun" (have we all given up on that grammatical abomination?) planned for them. They're canoeing across the lake. Three canoes for eight people: three women in two canoes each, and one woman with Sean, and Lesley immediately volunteers to be the one in Sean's canoe. AshLee seems a little put out by how quickly Lesley jumped on it, but she forgets how suck-uppingly she ran ahead of all the other women to hug Sean when they arrived.

Bachelor

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