"She's the most unhappy person I've ever come in contact with. I hate that bitch," says Lesley. She says that last part so wearily that I laughed loud and long. She just sounds more defeated than hostile.

Anyway, Sean and AshLee are having dinner on the beach, and Sean says if things go well, he's going to meet her family, so is there anything else he needs to know? Translation: He's been coached to ask this because she's got something apparently earth-shattering to share. She takes five fucking minutes with the preamble of how she just wants to get this out there and move past it. Eventually she tells him that fifteen years ago in high school she was having a hard time with her parents, and she got married when she was 17. Sean's eyes bug out. UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! OUT WITH THE WHORE! "So you were a married high school junior?" Sean asks, looking like he's just about ready to gnaw his own leg off to get out of here.

Sean says, "I thought you were going to tell me something terrible," while looking like he's trying not to throw up. He says she's perfect and not broken. "His answer was flawless. He accepts what I've been through, and he accepts me for me," says AshLee, who fails to explain why she needs his acceptance to begin with. And then she screams "I LOVE ST. CROIX!" and "I LOVE SEAN!" It's so romantic the way he doesn't say it back! And now they make out some more. And then I realize that there isn't a rose to give out, so there wasn't the possibility of elimination. Is this how the episode before the hometown dates always work? I always manage to kill enough brain cells during a season that I forget how things work by the next time. When it comes to The Bachelor, I have the memory of a goldfish.

Anyway, the next day, Sean is waiting for Tierra, and he's got a lot of questions about her: Is she really the sweet girl she appears to be or the not-so-nice girl EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD says she is? Unsurprisingly, she is bubbly and chipper with Sean about how much fun she's having while telling us how miserable she actually is.

She does like shopping with Sean because she claims he knows her so well, by which she seems to mean she asks him she should get a piece of jewelry and he says "Yes." And now there is a "parade" which appears to be half-a-dozen dancers in island getup who are here specifically to interact with the couple and make them to appear human. I mean, every parade I've ever seen has people lined up on the sides of the street along the parade route because they, you know, knew in advance it was happening.