Bachelor
Season 17: The Women Tell All

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The Fifty Ways I Heaved My Lovers

Chris Harrison is greeted warmly by an audience of drunk hate-watchers, which is the only reason I think is acceptable to actually be in the audience. He warms up the crowd by asking for their thoughts on whether this is the best Bachelor season ever (Answer: WOOOO!), on Sean (Answer: WOOOO!) and Sean with his shirt off (Answer: WOOOO!). Also, there is mention of Tierra (Booooo! We hate her!) and Bachelor Nation (Yes! We are awesome!).

There then follows a strange segment in which Chris Harrison and Sean show up at Bachelor viewing parties (again: only drunk and/or hatewatching is OK), and Chris pretends to be humbled by how invested people are and how much they are "rooting" for him, when what he actually means is that he gets off on it big time.

Then they go to a sorority house, where they are immediately shushed and told to be quiet, and then he's led into a large television room to surprise the entire Delta Gamma crew, who screech and lose their minds. "Are they really screaming because I'm here?" Sean asks us. He pretends to have a mild existential crisis over whether the people on television actually know him, but by the time he takes his shirt off for the screaming women and their cellphone cameras, he appears to have stopped worrying about it.

When that interminable segment is done (Harrison promises to do that during the next Bachelorette season, so stay fuckin' tuned, America), Harrison welcomes back all the women -- contractually obligated to be there, I am convinced. And MAN, not even Harrison could have predicted all the fireworks that could have resulted when you throw together a couple of dozen emotionally unstable train wrecks with daddy issues and copious amounts of alcohol. But let's watch the lowlights!

The picture-in-picture lets us watch the women enjoy a time when they were all young and naïve and not subject to a rigorous daily regime of antibiotics. There's the drunk Fifty Shades woman, and lots and lots of Tierra (who, for obvious reasons, isn't seated with the rest of the rejects).

After the montage, Harrison asks "Des" if she anticipated all the drama. Desiree says she didn't, and Harrison spot-on suggests she's never seen the show, then. For the most part, he says, they got on really well, and wonders if it's because they had a common enemy. He means Tierra, not common sense, in case you're wondering. Selma talks about how they all encouraged her to "hide the crazy," and we revisit the "Tierra is weird and doesn't respond to basic human interaction" thing again.

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