Bachelor
Season 17: The Women Tell All

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The Fifty Ways I Heaved My Lovers

After a commercial break, it's time for Desiree to get in the hot seat, because America hasn't totally forgotten who she is or anything! The montage is only notable in that we watch Desiree get out of the limo and tell Sean, "My name is Desiree, but you can call me 'Des.'" Did we see that on the first episode? Have we (I) been busting on Sean for calling her "Des" for no good reason? Eh, I can live with that. Oh, and of course there's her brother, who is scandalous for some reason for calling the guy who has dated as many as two-dozen women at once a "playboy."

Like Sarah, Desiree seems to be feeling things all over again after watching her dumping. She confesses to thinking she and Sean had a chemistry the other women couldn't surpass, what with her embodying the characteristics he wants in a wife. Being honest, Desiree: Do those characteristics include anything other than "pretty" and "nice rack"? Like, I believe Sean keeps a list in his wallet of what he's looking for, and those are the only two things on it.

Then Harrison is like "blah blah blah" and Desiree is like "blah blah blah blah blah," and then they talk about Desiree's brother's confrontation with Sean, and Harrison asks if that sabotaged the relationship. She says it did, and certainly didn't help. "If my brother had never been there, would things have been different?" she asks, and to me the follow-up is, "But if Sean really liked you, should that have affected things?" And then Harrison is like "blah blah blah" and Desiree is like "blah blah blah blah blah" some more and then it is commercial time, with Harrison telling her she's very beloved, which -- if I were I betting man -- makes me think she'll be the next Bachelorette.

AshLee's turn now -- Harrison poking fun at his own tendency to overuse "the most dramatic rose ceremony ever" -- and we take a stroll down Abandonment Issues lane, AshLee with a kind of wry expression on her face as she watches happier times with Sean. And then my favorite moment on this show in some time: Her withering glare and wordless exit when she got dumped.

AshLee tells Harrison she's a reserved person and never dove into anything like this, but she fell in love. Just another in a long line of contestants who think they're The One, is AshLee. Despite all evidence to the contrary, AshLee says she wasn't pissed when Sean dumped her, but was "searching for answers." That doesn't make any sense, really. Harrison asks if she's still in love with Sean. She pauses a little too long before saying no, and claims to have reeled in her feelings. She also says she felt like Sean was always a southern gentleman with her, but watching him with the other women, he acted like a "frat boy." This is mystifying to all of us who think "frat boy" would be a big step up, and at any rate I don't think any of us can discern any sort of difference in behavior among his various relationships.

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