Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We are beginning our initial descent into the most shocking, stunning, and startling season finale of The Bachelor ever. Or at least that's what we're hearing from the flight deck. Not only is this the season finale, but this is also the final leg of Jake's amazing journey to true love and holy matrimony. Please fasten your seat belt, stow your personal items along with your dignity, adjust your tray tables and put your seat backs in the upright and locked position. We will be arriving at either Tenley or Vienna within the next two hours.

It's morning in St. Lucia and Jake is walking a lonely path down the beach, pretending that this is how he spends every morning he isn't in a cockpit or a security clearance line at the airport. He is in Love. It just happens to be with two people. So it is Love's fault that this decision is so difficult. He loves Tenley. He loves Vienna. He really loves St. Lucia. He wants a wife. He wants someone he can "lay down his life for". I don't really know what that means. I've been married for five years and that phrase has never once been uttered. I'll be talking to my husband about that. Jake can't decide between these two women. He loves them and their flashbacks equally. Time to call in the big guns, namely: The Family. He has been faced with a lot of "lonely moments" during this journey and that has been tough for him. Also, I'm guessing, lonely. Aw, crap now I have this song stuck in my head. And now you do too. Jake is "really proud" that his family took the time to help him find love, which strikes me as an odd thing to be proud of. Grateful that your family is as publicity hungry as you are, maybe, but proud? Really keen on a free vacation to St. Lucia, but proud? Jake's parents understand why he came on a national television show to find love, which is good, because most parents probably wouldn't get it. At all. But if you raise your kid and instill your values in him as best you can and what not and he ends up on The Bachelor, well I'm guessing you are either proud or wishing you had named him Alex P. Keaton. Jake tells his family that he is in love with two girls and he could marry either of them and be happy for the rest of his life. The family is all blonde and clean cut but the weirdest thing about them is that Jake's sister-in-law looks like someone you might actually want to hang out with, which is sort of unexpected. He explains that he has fallen in love with Vienna and Tenley "so deeply" but he needs a second set of eyes. They both laugh at his jokes. Everyone is really impressed with that one. He and Tenley have a deep spiritual connection while Vienna is apparently "really smart" and "didn't come there to make friends". Jake's mom stops him to ask if Tenley was the girl that everyone hated. He admits that she was. Jake's mom cautions him that frequently there is something behind that and suddenly I am LOVING Jake's mom. He knows that they are going to love Tenley, but he WANTS them to love Vienna. He may have fucked that up already by admitting that everyone hates Vienna. Um, yeah, probably not the best decision to make that the ONLY thing you tell your family about her is that she isn't very likable. But whatevs.