Bachelor
Season Finale

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Oh Captain, My Captain

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We are beginning our initial descent into the most shocking, stunning, and startling season finale of The Bachelor ever. Or at least that's what we're hearing from the flight deck. Not only is this the season finale, but this is also the final leg of Jake's amazing journey to true love and holy matrimony. Please fasten your seat belt, stow your personal items along with your dignity, adjust your tray tables and put your seat backs in the upright and locked position. We will be arriving at either Tenley or Vienna within the next two hours.

It's morning in St. Lucia and Jake is walking a lonely path down the beach, pretending that this is how he spends every morning he isn't in a cockpit or a security clearance line at the airport. He is in Love. It just happens to be with two people. So it is Love's fault that this decision is so difficult. He loves Tenley. He loves Vienna. He really loves St. Lucia. He wants a wife. He wants someone he can "lay down his life for". I don't really know what that means. I've been married for five years and that phrase has never once been uttered. I'll be talking to my husband about that. Jake can't decide between these two women. He loves them and their flashbacks equally. Time to call in the big guns, namely: The Family. He has been faced with a lot of "lonely moments" during this journey and that has been tough for him. Also, I'm guessing, lonely. Aw, crap now I have this song stuck in my head. And now you do too. Jake is "really proud" that his family took the time to help him find love, which strikes me as an odd thing to be proud of. Grateful that your family is as publicity hungry as you are, maybe, but proud? Really keen on a free vacation to St. Lucia, but proud? Jake's parents understand why he came on a national television show to find love, which is good, because most parents probably wouldn't get it. At all. But if you raise your kid and instill your values in him as best you can and what not and he ends up on The Bachelor, well I'm guessing you are either proud or wishing you had named him Alex P. Keaton. Jake tells his family that he is in love with two girls and he could marry either of them and be happy for the rest of his life. The family is all blonde and clean cut but the weirdest thing about them is that Jake's sister-in-law looks like someone you might actually want to hang out with, which is sort of unexpected. He explains that he has fallen in love with Vienna and Tenley "so deeply" but he needs a second set of eyes. They both laugh at his jokes. Everyone is really impressed with that one. He and Tenley have a deep spiritual connection while Vienna is apparently "really smart" and "didn't come there to make friends". Jake's mom stops him to ask if Tenley was the girl that everyone hated. He admits that she was. Jake's mom cautions him that frequently there is something behind that and suddenly I am LOVING Jake's mom. He knows that they are going to love Tenley, but he WANTS them to love Vienna. He may have fucked that up already by admitting that everyone hates Vienna. Um, yeah, probably not the best decision to make that the ONLY thing you tell your family about her is that she isn't very likable. But whatevs.

Tenley is the first to face off against the family. She brings a large bouquet of flowers and wisely wipes her teeth off with her tongue as she approaches the front door. NATIONAL TELEVISION, WOMAN. Tenley is wearing a hot pink sundress for family-meeting purposes and tells us that she hopes she is a match with this family because it is "very important." She walks in front of the firing squad, frenches Jake and then meets the entire family even though she was just expecting to meet his parents. SURPRISE! Jake is definitely the looker in his family and you can see the hatred simmering in his brother's eyes. The sassy sister-in-law wants to know how Tenley knows she actually loves Jake, which is a question that even after the aforementioned five years of marriage, is not something I would want to answer in front of my in laws. Tenley obviously says "values" because if you didn't know, that's what she is all about. She also mentions that she wanted to know about how Jake would "pursue his wife", and then congratulates his father on his pursuit and reaches out and actually TOUCHES HIS ARM. He freezes until she removes the offending appendage and then he blushes because OH MY GOD DON'T TOUCH ME, HUSSY and then he starts TO CRY. She knows she can "trust her heart with Jake". Then Jake explains that his family is very emotional, in case Tenley thought his dad just had allergies or something. Jake then acts like this is all TOTALLY NORMAL and that making his dad cry upon first meeting is a GOOD THING. Then in a completely staged tete-a-tete between mother and potential future daughter-in-law out on the porch, Jake's mom has some questions, but she doesn't want to be rude by asking them. Woman, please, just ask the damn questions. She wants to know how Tenley would handle conflict with her sister-wives, because she has been watching a lot of Big Love and is very concerned with familial peace and wants her daughters-in-law to get along because once she and her husband are dead it is really up to the women to hold the family together because men just aren't capable of such emotional commitment as, like, calling each other on the phone. Bringing up her own seemingly imminent mortality may be a new one for a Bachelor mom. Tenley tells her that she was married (oh shit, really? does Jake know?) and that she totally handled that conflict, like, really well. Somehow this makes Jake's mom cry and then Tenley adds that she could really be a part of this family and this poor crying woman could really be her mother-in-law. Did she mention that Jake was beautiful? Jake's mom says that Tenley "touched her" and, really now, Ms. Handsy, do we need to register you as a sex offender? Jake's mom would love to have her as a part of the family. Outside Jake is laughing with his family while everyone extols Tenley's myriad virtues. Then Tenley has to go talk to Jake's dad. She claims she can already tell she is going to love Jake's dad, but before it gets to Jerry Springer, she adds that it's important that he be able to see her as a daughter. Tenley "adores how [Jake] adores his parents" and she loves that Jake, being male, can talk about his parents' marriage. She starts tearing up talking about how much she wants to be part of the family. Jake's dad thinks she's an "incredible girl" but I'm not really sure on what he is basing this assessment. Outside Jake tells his family that he will ask one of the girls to marry him. He just doesn't know which one yet. Meanwhile, Tenley is making sure Jake's dad knows that she was married before and that her previous in laws did not think she was an "incredible girl". Maybe she didn't touch them enough. She is "looking for another family to take her in" and way to make yourself sound like a stray dog there, Tenley. When Tenley brings up wanting "loving grandparents" for her kids, Jake's dad hugs her. Again. Maybe Jake should come on back there, soon. Inside, Jake's mom tells him that she had "no red flags" about Tenley and Jake's dad can see her fitting in really well. He adds that he knows he met his "future daughter-in-law today" but they way it is edited is HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS. Jake then blurts, "She needs to know that if she stands on the edge of a pool, I'm going to push her in." Which is either an awkward analogy for falling in love or a reference to making Tenley walk the plank. Jake's mom warns him to tell her that he likes to rough house and get goofy. She blames his brothers for this, but they appear to have turned out alright. Jake and Tenley take a moment to make out and then he makes her jump in the pool with him fully clothed. If she does not do this with him she will never get her hands on that princess cut ring. So they jump in and make out and then both of Jake's brothers jump in and Tenley is cackling hysterically because what else do you do when potential future in laws catch you making out in the pool and then JUMP IN AND JOIN YOU. There's some wet group hug action going between Tenley and all THREE boys when the wives arrive to break that shit up. Everyone talks about how perfect Tenley is for Jake and how blessed they would be to have her in the family. Vienna, whoever she is, had better be pretty fucking spectacular to beat out Miss Disney Princess over there.

The next day dawns on Vienna, who shows up with a fruit basket and at a serious disadvantage. Jake tells her to just be

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