herself, but does not tell her that he already told his whole family that everyone hates her. Vienna claims to be nervous, but Jake really just wants her to go in there and "be the Vienna [he] fell in love with." As opposed to Vienna, Austria or Vienna, Virginia. Vienna meets the parents and they politely ask where she's from and Vienna just seems really young and awkward. One of the sisters-in-law asks if Vienna has traveled anywhere, and she hasn't "yet", but that will all change when she's married to a pilot. But, then she remembers that she went on an RV trip with Jake and a "whole bunch of girls". Her facial expression at the mention of the other "ladies" is the perfect segue to the family asking about "the drama". No one seems very impressed with her and instead seem hyperly aware that she does not play well with others. While this may be a completely accurate impression, it is also TOTALLY JAKE'S FAULT. I mean, way to fabricate an underdog. Cut to a family dinner where once again one of the sisters-in-law asks whether she got along with the other women in the house. Vienna doesn't even bother answering, but just makes a pointed silence. When pressed, she claims it is just her "brutal honesty" that makes the girls not like her. Not her "complete bitchiness" or "hostile stupidity." The other sister-in-law tells us that Vienna pretty much has no hope of comparing to magical Tenley. Neither of Jake's brothers have said a word on camera, which is probably wise, but odd, too. During lunch, Jake's mom is completely silent and is just short of outright glaring at Vienna. She pulls Jake aside to find out what exactly he sees in this bitch. She's worried that if Vienna couldn't get along with the other girls in the house, that she wouldn't be able to get along with her sister-wives or eventually, Jake. She is seeing more red flags than a bull in Spain. Jake is a little defensive about this, partially due to his initial fuck up and Jake is sort of bummed. Jake finally talks to his brothers who think that her "brutal honesty" is an "immature defense mechanism," which makes me think Jake's talking brother is very wise. The other brother still hasn't said anything, which also makes me think he is very wise. I mean, if you HAVE to go on this insipid show, wouldn't you want to keep your mouth shut? Jake thinks he is trying to talk people into liking Vienna. Jake's sisters-in-law have Vienna on the porch and are trying to figure out what the heck Jake sees in her. Vienna doesn't understand what he sees in Tenley, because SHE brings out his sense of humor and teases him and stuff. What does Tenley do? Like talk to him about values or something? The sisters-in-law then return to their favorite subject: Girls. Vienna claims she has girlfriends, just not in the Bachelor house or really at home. Vienna claims Jake is in love with her and not with Tenley and one of the sisters-in-law points out that she could be in for a BIG disappointment. Vienna swears she knows Jake is The One and she could see herself spending the rest of her life with him. As long as that life involved vacations in St. Lucia and a lot of television cameras. Vienna is just so young and so awkward and you almost feel bad for her when she goes in to talk to Jake's mom. His mom isn't pulling her punches or wasting time: she wants to know how Vienna gets along with people. Vienna swears that she was just "being herself" in the house and was "true to herself" and isn't that what all the biggest assholes say? That they are just being "true" and "brutally honest"? Outside Jake asks his brothers and sisters-in-law what they thought about Vienna and they admit that while she initially came across as abrasive, she's not that bad. The brothers remain deaf mutes. Then one of the girls cries because she feels bad for judging Vienna and this truly moves Jake. This whole scene makes me uncomfortable, but mostly because, for the life of me, I cannot imagine wanting to spend five minutes with Vienna, let alone MY LIFE. Jake just hopes his mom sees Vienna's "heart of gold." In her interview, Vienna is winning points by talking about family and not being able to go back to Florida without him. Jake's mom tells Vienna that she changed her mind, which is kind of harsh if you parse it out. She also apologizes to Vienna for judging her, but isn't the entire point of this meeting TO JUDGE? They all then claim that Vienna would be a perfect fit in the family. But, really, is "she's not that bad once you get past your initial impression" such a glowing review?
After about five commercials for St. Lucia travel, we are back. Jake swears he sees his future wife in both Tenley and Vienna. He has one more date with each before he has to give away his final rose. He is excited to be taking Vienna to a live volcano with a sulfur spring and spa. Vienna is unimpressed with his choice of venue, what with the rotten egg smell and, like, nature. She didn't leave backwoods Florida to face down dirt. Jake makes her feel the stream and then they both roll around in the mud, chucking dirt clods at each other's privates and touching where their bathing suits cover. Jake calls this "natural chemistry." I call it "rutting." Vienna writes "I love you" into the mud slathered all over Jake's chest, which is ...romantic? They get even muddier and then stand up to kiss for a while. I'm not sure, but they may be blurring out the edges of Vienna's derriere. Jake has a mud faux-hawk, which really deserves its own Emmy. They wander over to a clean hole (insert dirty joke) and drink a bottle of champagne left in the swimming hole by some producer who did not have an inappropriate relationship with anyone on the show and thus got to travel to St. Lucia and drop champagne bottles in natural springs. Vienna and Jake talk about how much they loved rubbing each other in mud and it is really too bad that his family couldn't join them for a big group hug right about now. Vienna invites Jake back to her place for "dessert," which, I guess is what the kids are calling it these days. Not wanting to sound like too much of a dirty girl (despite the mud) she follows up the dessert with an offer of cheese and crackers. Just in case her dad is watching and still thinks his little angel is a virgin. Jake worries that he has to go back to her house and have sex with her, all while figuring out whether it is love or lust. Life's rough, asshole. Vienna swears she is totally in love with Jake and has found her soul mate. This would be almost endearing if this wasn't exactly the same thing every contestant on this show has said at this point. So, yawn.
Back at Vienna's house, some producer has hosed her off and she is ready to tell Jake she loves him. She has a "special present" for him tonight, which I think is her virginity, and then she says is her creepy promise ring. She is ready to give it to Jake and take a leap of faith with him. She tucks her love letter and her creepy ring into what looks like a tortilla holder and waits for Jake. Jake is wearing khakis for the occasion. He thinks things with Vienna are going "really well," which you would hope because he could be asking her to marry him, like, tomorrow. Vienna wants to talk and she mutters about being taken care of and best friends and herpes vaccinations and Derrida and passion and whatnot. Jake nods along politely and then out of the blue asks her what it was like being married for three weeks. She immediately knew it was a mistake with no love or passion and she broke her dad's heart. The disappointment in her dad's voice just killed her. She swears she has learned from her mistakes, which does not at ALL explain why she is on this show. I mean what valuable lesson from a failed marriage would make anyone think signing up for The Bachelor would be a good idea? Vienna swears love and mumbles about soul mates and then leads Jake to her bed for her "special present," which is not a BJ or a maiden voyage or a Dirty Sanchez or anything, but is her promise ring TO HER DAD, which is unsettling, at best. Jake reads her note out loud. I'll summarize: She says I love you, he says n
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