A helicopter lands and Chris Harrison comes out of nowhere to help...Tenley out of the helicopter. As she makes her walk of doom to where Jake is standing she makes a whole stream of soon-to-be embarrassingly unprophetic statements about her long and happy life with Jake. He tells her she looks beautiful and they hug. He takes a deep breath and drags out the words incredibly slowly as if he knows that they still have twenty freaking minutes to fill before the show ends. He mentions all the things he loves about her: her positivity, her smile, and her general perfectness. He starts crying as he tells her that something doesn't feel right. She doesn't know what to say. She is not making the prettiest face as the reality sets in that he is not asking her to marry him. She thanks him for showing her what she could have, which is...odd. I mean do you THANK a guy you JUST SLEPT WITH ON NATIONAL TELEVISION who then DUMPS YOU ON NATIONAL TELEVISON? She thanks him again for showing her that she can love again. He looks sad as she just keeps on talking and thanking him for breaking her heart on national television. Good lord woman, QUIT THANKING HIM AND KICK HIM IN THE NUTS ALREADY. God, do I have to think of everything? Also, quit talking about your ex husband during your little speech. Jake walks the wailing woman downstairs where she begs him to reconsider, but instead he explains that something is not natural about their relationship. She mentions her previous relationship AGAIN, thanks him AGAIN, and then walks off into Chris Harrison's waiting arms. He walks her down another five flights of stairs, like nice convenient choice of venue. Tenley drives off in her SUV and cries about what a great man Jake is and about her old marriage and how she needs a man who can really love her. Yeah! You deserve better than that dipshit. I mean, if Jake wants to be with Vienna you probably don't want to be with him. I mean, gah: Vienna. She bids farewell to the St. Lucia sun and we bid adieu to Tenley. Also our lunches, because, gah: Vienna.
Melissa Rycroft appears on the TV to remind us that Jake just might change his mind. Also to announce that Kate Gosselin and Buzz Aldrin will be part of the new cast of Dancing with the Stars. To think Buzz Aldrin went through years of military training, flight training, astronaut training, got launched into space, landed on the moon, and is now going to be most famous for dancing on national television next to a woman who is famous for procreating with a douchebag. Anyway, Jake stands atop Mt. Disappointment, which has been newly christened Mt. Marriage Proposal. Vienna looks like she is DYING in the helicopter, but not out of nerves, but because she is a girl from a town in Florida that only recently got a stoplight and she is in a freaking helicopter over the ocean, which she hears is deep. She lands and Chris helps her out of the plane. Harrison unpries her hands from the helicopter and tells her to cross a bridge, walk up some stairs, rope swing over the moat, cut through a labyrinth and find her man. She voiceovers about how much she loves this man and how he is her soul mate and how scared she is. They hug hard as her disembodied voice says that without him she would be lost, because with him she found herself or something else she read in Lao Tzu, which she translated from the ancient Chinese scrolls. Jake tells her she is beautiful and amazing and then he hands her back the promise ring from her dad. He didn't understand it at first but now he knows it is Important and he wants her to have it back. She looks confused. Also, hurt. He has something else for her too and he doesn't want her to ever forget it: He loves her. She kisses him. He gets down on one knee and asks her to marry him with his Neil Lane diamond. She says yes, the ring fits and that's that. Well except for the montage of all their best moments set to On the Wings of Love. As if we needed THAT.
Lulu Bates a.k.a. Melissa Locker is a writer and radio producer in New York City. She is never watching this show again. You can follow her on Twitter (@woolyknickers).