Bachelor
S16 Season Premiere

Episode Report Card
admin: F | 8 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
“...And the horse you rode in on.”

Meet Ben Flanjnjnik! He's from one of my favorite seasons of The Bachelor/ette -- i.e. any season I didn't watch -- and apparently he proposed to Ashley, who turned him down, probably because he should have combed his hair better, and then some boat drove him away, and even just a couple of moments in and I'm hoping he does about as well on this boat ride as Fredo Corleone did.

But then he's back in San Francisco building a winery or some shit, and he works hard and drinks hard and eschews shirt sleeves when he's sailing, and scanning the horizon for a potential wife. He's a better, more complete person today, he says, either due to being on The Bachelorette or his father dying, each of which is a tragedy. Looking for women in his vineyards doesn't seem to be working out for him, so he's coming on The Bachelor. I don't know this guy at all, but when you're decently good-looking (although my wife just emphatically told me that Ben is NOT attractive) and own a winery and can play the piano and have a hard time meeting women? You may be beyond hopeless. I mean, I managed to get married, and I don't own a winery. I just play the piano and am devastatingly handsome. Also, if you look at the success rate of The Bachelor and still decide it's a good way to find a spouse, you may be terminally stupid.

We spend about twenty minutes watching highlights of what's coming up tonight on the show, and -- holy shit! When I was told there was going to be a grandmother on tonight's episode, I just kinda assumed it was going to be someone in her mid-30s who had a kid when she was young, and then that kid went on to have a kid young as well -- not someone who looks old enough to be Montgomery Burns' mother.

Anyway, Chris Harrison would have you believe there's no braver thing a person can do than propose to someone. Then he introduces us to some of the women that Ben will be pretending to find interesting for the next few weeks. Every season I knock myself out trying to make sure I fit all these dingbats into the first recap, but I'm not going to do that this time, fuck it, it's not worth it. Especially since one-third of them are going to be eliminated or killed or whatever tonight. So if something strikes me as noteworthy or -- more likely -- really annoying, I'll mention it.

Jesus Christ, the very first one is named "Lindzi" and she says, "Horses are kind of my zen." I'm fast-forwarding now. Also she was once dumped by someone via text that said "Babe, welcome to Dumpsville, population YOU." I call bullshit on that. If it's true -- well, great job picking assholes to date. Meet Ben Flanjaninkinka! Now there is a hunter named Amber from Nebraska, who is a tomboy, but one of those tomboys with breasts, because no one likes the lesbian tomboys, right? And she eats cow balls, and then she licks her lips. There is Kacie, who is -- look, why can't any of them just say "receptionist"? Or "woman who promotes branded liquors in bars"? Why so many "administrative assistants"?

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Bachelor

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