Holy shit, fully NINETY MINUTES of this show is just clips of the women talking about how cute Ben is. Like Nicki here, who sits down with Ben and accepts his -- I want to say compliment? -- that she is "nicely bubbly." They are talking about being clear and clarity or whatever. I'm not into Scientology.

Then there's Lindzi the horse rider, who wants to talk about how awesome her entrance was and what he was thinking when she made her awesome entrance. She says she tried to make wine once, from grapes you bought at the store. Ben manages to not call her a moron to her face. She thinks she could fall in love with him.

Brittney and her grandmother are discussing the competition. Emily calls bringing the grandmother a "cheap shot." Speaking of cheap shots, Emily tells a group of other awful, awful women that Brittney makes herself look better by sitting next to someone old and wrinkly.

Ben then gallantly walks Sheryl to her car, while Brittney tells us she's drawn to Ben and excited to get to know him better. Sheryl gets in the limousine while putting in one last plug for her granddaughter. Holy crap! Grandma's crying in the limousine! I'm starting to think Bachelor limousines just have someone sitting in the backseat, off-camera, cutting up onions.

And here's the part of the premiere where the Bachelor whines about having to hand out the first impression rose. But first: premiere filler! There are pushups, tattoo explanations, line-dancing. All the vomiting is happening off-camera, as usual. Some woman blindfolds Ben and feeds him candy. "I am shocked at the level of competition," says Emily, adding that she'll do what it takes to impress him. Then she says he'll get gangsta, which sadly means not shooting people but rapping. No, she is really rapping. Like with the hand gestures and everything. And it sounds like something she might have written to try impress all the kids at a career fair to show them how cool epidemiology can be.

And now the model is whining about how hard she's been working -- she's 28! -- and sounding weary about all her travelling. It actually sounds like she wants to retire. She thinks she had a great conversation with him, whereas any outside observer will see "28" on the screen and feel scandalized that they're revealing contestants' IQs now.

Then Jenna the blogger -- trashed out of her head -- is the first to bring up the "not here for the right reasons" line because one of the other contestants admits to not feeling anything for Ben yet. Jenna -- who, again, is bombed -- tells us she's not here to party. "I don't like her," her victim, Monica, whispers to one of the other women when Jenna leaves. Then she bonds with Blakeley over what an awful person Jenna is, and now they are cuddling, with the other women looking on all Lesbian Alert! At them. Admittedly, Monica is coming across a little Single White Female right now. Jenna is banging the drum of Something Ain't Right with the other women, describing Monica as the woman who "attacked" her "emotionally." She's hyperventilating. "How do you maintain sanity?" she asks us. Shit, you don't even know how to maintain sobriety. Rachel thinks Monica is more into the girls than she is into Ben.