1. Send your strongest weapon.
2. Be strong.
3. Use fear tactics.
4. Refuse to admit blame.
5. Cast yourself exclusively in the role of messenger.

"I was leaning toward Kirsten all day," Andy tells in an interview that clearly takes place immediately after his conversation with Adam. "Right now I'm a little bit torn...I'm gonna let all of this digest and make a decision when the time is right." Andy retires to bed, Iago rubs his hands together devilishly, and the Firestone bloodline reassures itself that it will not be sullied with the rogue taint of magazine journalism. After all, he had been "leaning toward Kirsten all day." I can't believe that worked.

Back at the Bachelor Pad, Jen carries a box of never-to-be-eaten dessert (a totally peculiar subplot we never really explore) up to the front door. They're inside cooking, Andy telling her, "I loved having you up at the house." They sit down for a lovely meal as she tells us that the only thing she fears now is not being the one chosen. They talk about the future a bit, Andrew cutting in on his own speech with the totally out of context "I know that you brought dessert, but we also have s'mores." Hey, you're welcome, jerk. He and Jen are back inside now, sharing in the deliciously unromantic cuisine together, Andrew hopping up again and telling her, "I got you a gift!" He carries over a picnic basket, reminding her of the night in night in Palm Springs when they decided that they would have dinner in their robes once a month. Awwww. The romantic history dating back almost three weeks. They're like those adorable old couples who have been together that you see in the park, except if "forever" were replaced by "three weeks" and "the park" were replaced by "sleazy reality show." Other than that, it's totally the same. What did Andrew get Jen? What did he get her? Matching robes! With monogrammed names! Her WASP indoctrination has begun in earnest. In an interview, he -- oh, dear lord, what on earth is that man wearing on his head? -- tells us, "I haven't made that decision yet, but I definitely see her as part of my future." Okay. Fine. Plot. Can we talk about the hat now? It's totally this tri-toned (puke, pea soup, puke again) knit skull cap that looks like the cumulative fashion errors made my every one of the New Kids on the Block in the post-Hangin' Tough years when they were all trying to out-street one another. I must have that hat. I would wear it every day and toast to its buyer with some delightful Firestone Wine. Every day, I would do that.