Bachelor
Sibling Bling Rivalry

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In the kitchen, Polly and Hayley bad touch Andrew, as he asks them what they think of Kirsten. Polly can tell the truth to the camera, but to Andy it's "I'd like to have more of a chance to get to know her." Hayley recalls something their mother said last night (though she calls her "Mum"), explaining it to him really slowly like his Firestone Wine went down the wrong pipe and he coughed up a few chromosomes that he was never to see again. She says, "You marry somebody, or you are with somebody, who has...the way they are is the way they'll be. The things that you like will grow on you, and the things that you dislike will become more annoying." You mean, like if you're with someone? Who finishes every phrase? With like an upward? Like, inflection at the end? But that is actually a really bizarre piece of advice, because it sounds like it advocates (a) choosing a life mate by the lesser of two evils, and (b) moving toward the middle of the emotional spectrum by choosing someone who doesn't have any specifically annoying personality traits, despite whether they have any explicitly good character traits. Can you see who they're trying to manipulate things in favor of yet? Can you? Can you? Can you? Is it working? Does it work?

"Andrew so outweighs my ex-boyfriend, it's just amazing." Yup. It gets much, much worse. Adam takes a chance: "Last night, it came up about your old boyfriend." Which totally makes it sound like Jen brought it up a little, no? Kirsten barks out a totally, chirpily pissed "Oh, really." She explains with not much comprehension that, when she left to go on the show, she "never got to close things off with him." Also, "I probably didn't tell him before I left." Hmmm. Andrew 2.0 asks what happens if things don't work out with Andrew, and Kirsten tells him, "I know that I've looked everywhere else and I found something that was so much more what I was expecting out of a relationship and made me so much happier." And then she's cut off. In her interview, Kirsten tells us that she thinks she made it clear that, regardless of what happens with Andrew, "No matter what, I'm not going back to that past relationship." So, that's it, then.

That's not it. Goodbyes are said and Andy's back inside, telling us over the course of one interview, "I'm definitely falling for her" and "I can definitely see her as my wife." Back inside, Hayley proclaims Jen and Kirsten both "fabulous," and Brooks The Millionth and Lockjaw tell him that they certainly wouldn't push him in any particular direction. They'll leave that up to bad cop. Outside on the porch, the vast Republican conspiracy finally kicks in, Andrew 2.0 taking a private moment with his small, little brother: "There was one conversation that happened tonight that I don't know if you heard about." Andrew 2.0 tells Andrew that he brought up the ex-boyfriend issue, and that, in his estimation of things, "[Kirsten] explained, in so many words, that basically her boyfriend doesn't even know that she's here right now." Andrew asks, "What is all this?" Adam continues on that he's not "[bleep]ing" Andrew about this, but Andrew paces with increasing franticness, muttering, "I'm having a tough time swallowing all this." Adam takes a swig of water and plows on: "The guy's name is Bill, and apparently he doesn't know about this." Ooooh, he gave him a name! Humanized him! That is totally clever. "Her intention is that if she's still standing at the end, so to speak, she's gonna tell him then. Basically, y'know, like, if she feels like she's traded up, then Bill's good to go. And if this lady is basically here hedging her bets and she's still got some poor [bleep] back home who barely [sic] doesn't [sic] even [sic] know she's here, then this thing's gonna get ugly." Look closer. The internal logic of this argument stands up like superpower's rationale for war propped against a rickety fence during a windstorm: Isn't the boyfriend going to notice when she disappears for six months? Isn't he going to figure it out when the whole thing is on television? But it certainly seems to work on Li'l Andy. Adam tells Andrew that he should "go ask her. Share that with her. Ask her." Andy wipes away a tear. Aww, he's crying! No, really. It worked. That is amazing. In an interview, Andy puts too fine a point on it: "I was looking for answers coming home, and I certainly got one." Adam stands near the front door and tells him, "If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. It's not my fault." Genius strategy, executed:

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