Spill The Whine

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Retreading Water

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We open this week to find Andrew "Tire, Tire, Pants On" Firestone striding alongside a similarly suited "And Introducing Your Center Square" Chris Harrison, the two reaching and climbing a few stairs together from the lanai to the front entryway of the vaunted Housa Bitches. They turn toward each other, and Chris opens his arms widely, recalling the intimacy he felt with Trista and reminding us all that sometimes the bond between Bachelor and Host is stronger than any of us can understand, and, well, Andrew, would you like a hug? No. No, it appears he would not. Left hanging like in so many seasons past, Chris drops his arms and goes in for a totally yeah-this-is- where-my-hands- were-heading- all-along- they-just-took- the-looooong- way-around handshake, asking Andrew, "You ready for this?" Andrew tosses back a spirited "Let's go!" But Chris doesn't feel like he's pumped [clap] Andrew up quite enough, so he repeats the same question quite a bit more loudly, like one of those inspirational sports coaches who says the same thing over and over again in those movies about inspirational sports coaches I'm always scanning past on ESPN Classic when I'm fumbling around the dial looking for a new episode of So Graham Norton. Andrew responds accordingly, yelping, "Let's go!" like the poor-ass scholarship kid who needs to win this game so he can get into college and out of the gang scene, pumping his fist and just failing to produce a gigantic vat of Gatorade for him to pour over his coach after they prove to be the triumphant victors in something called "the big game." Anyway, that's what they look like. They're pumped. Chris offers Andrew a rousing "Here's your first limo," putting one hand on his shoulder and indicating the approaching car with a sweeping and-here's- what's-behind- curtain-number-two gesture before adding topically, "Andrew, let the journey begin." Judges? Journey: 1. Connection: 0. Originality: 29. Our guest judge this week is clearly from Puttin' on the Hits. By the way.

The first limo pulls up -- say, are those Firestone tires you're wearing? -- and we finally get a chance to meet the girls! Er, again!

First out of the car is Tina, who shakes Andrew's hand and offers a simple "Hi" in her simple black dress and simple blondness. We recall a spot of her pre-interview from which we saw clips in last week's non-episode, in which we newly learn why she thinks she would make a great wife: "I would definitely let the guy watch football and have all of his friends over and give him beer and make him food. And then I would leave. With his credit card." And clearly this show has always been where feminism fears to dwell, but that shocking entry in Gilfriend's Guide to Being Your Gender's Biggest Cliché set the woman's movement back literally XXXVII years. That's right, people. Back to the very day the Super Bowl was invented.

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