Bachelor
Spill The Whine

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Retreading Water

Tina from Wisconsin, will you accept this rose? Certainly, Andrew from Richland, USA.

Christina from New Jersey, will you accept this rose? Awwww, kindness to old ladies! Giving Christina a rose is akin to helping an old lady across the street. Or across that rug, as the case may be. Andy's gonna qualify for a merit badge for his Cub Scout uniform. When he's old enough, I mean.

Elizabeth, will you accept this rose? She'd be "honored." There's something sassy about her I kind of like. That, or the dress just reminds me so much of my grandmother's plastic-covered couches at her old house in Rockville Center that looking at so much clashing floral print makes me feel like I've gone home again, in a way.

Amy from South Carolina, will you accept this rose? Cool hair, Amy.

Jen from Illinois, will you accept this rose? Also, who in the living hell are you?

Anne-Michelle, will you accept this correspondent position on Extra? I mean, this rose?

Audree, will you accept this rose? Don't smile so much, Audree. He can't marry all of you. Oh, wait. He can! He can marry all of you!

Shannon, will you accept this rose? "Absolutely." This is her last week, folks. Mark your day planners.

Heather, will you accept this rose? "I would love to." And it seems like she may be the only person who'd "love to."

Christina from Florida, will you accept this rose? Look what I made with her dress! The Statue of Liberty! This game is hard!

Chris steps in to note that there is one more rose tonight, because it's in his contract to state the obvious and make himself look stupid. That's some kind of bum contract you've got there, friend.

Tina from Tennessee, will you accept this rose? I like her.

Chris returns to the fray to note, "Ladies, thank you all. But if you did not receive a rose tonight, take a moment and say your goodbyes." Hugs ensue, poor Tiffany from Ohio taking the classy route and giving Andy a hug. Stephanie bemoans the fact that she's usually the "runner-up" if not the winner, noting that she's "disappointed." Ginny worries that this means that she's "not very pretty," and Brooke wonders if she should still go through with her plan to give Andy that DVD copy of Dress to Kill she brought for him in a Tiffany box. She decides "fuck it," and expresses hope that she'll find "true love" one day. Andy, meanwhile, tells us that making the decision was "hard," but remains convinced that his future wife was not thrown out with the bath water. The remaining fifteen women clink champagne glasses with the man who will never become their husband, savoring the fine Firestone vintage and celebrating the foresight of Andy's parents for getting out of the business and preventing them from toasting with tires.

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Bachelor

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