Bachelor
Spill The Whine

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Retreading Water

Next up is Liz, wearing a red dress that's got a shoulder's worth of fabric missing from it. I like the color and all, but most of that thing is in the shape of a pageant sash that should read "Miss Off The Rack Sample Sale Of Flawed And Damaged Merchandise 2003." Or, more to the point, "Miss Shapen." It's an ugly dress. She tells us in voice-over, "This is the ultimate matchmaker. Someone out there thinks that I could possibly be perfect for this guy who's incredible." Just remember Liz: it's a little less romantic to be hit by Cupid's arrow when it's shot from the bow of co-executive producer Jason Carbone. He's the "someone out there" to which you're referring. Does this whole thing seem a bit less cosmic and magical yet? Yeah, I thought so.

Elizabeth is wearing a dress made entirely from the chaise lounge on Rose's lanai, I think. Vandal! Giant blue flowers against a slightly bluer background. She takes Andrew's hand brusquely and tells him with an overly animated eye roll that it's a "pleasure to finally meet you," offering that he looks "great." Considering her following interview, I think she means that he looks "rich." And what she says is this: "My dad says that he's a father with beer money, with daughters who have champagne tastes. And I strive to get that champagne." Well, saddle her up and hitch her out west! Elizabeth's diggin' for gold! But first, honey, change the curtains that are your dress.

"I've been in pageants for the past five years," Stephanie reminds us. Stephanie has apparently killed Gwyneth (yay!) and made off with her Shakespeare in Love Oscar dress (boo!). Man, has she got some Crazy Eyes. She hopes against hope: "That's what I'm here for. To get that ring. Hopefully he'll see who I am and what I'm about and he will choose me." So confident is she that she hazards a thumbs-up toward the camera after she parts company with Andrew. She wants that ring! Maybe Carbone's arrow shoots next at thee.

Christina is also wearing something off of one shoulder, but hey, when you reach her rapidly-advancing age, you can start dressing crazy and the kids aren't allowed to heckle you on your way to the condo complex's clubhouse. Obviously, I'm kidding. She's only thirty. That's not old, but on this show it's made to look unappealing and almost unmarryable, I think. When, in reality, the only unappealing and unmarryable thing about Christina is her feathery, Farah Fawcett hair.

Sometimes, when Andrew says "nice to meet you" -- which is all he's really said so far -- he sounds like he's intentionally trying to make his voice lower. I think the reason he's perceived by many as "cute" instead of "hot" is because he's "twelve" instead of "legal." Is that the twist that awaits us? If not, is Fox reading my recap and fixing to steal my pitch for a reality show called Barely Legal? 'Cause they'd do it, y'all. Just let them try.

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