Bachelor
Spill The Whine

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Retreading Water

A new limo! Say, are those Firestone tires you're wearing?

Christina from Florida is first out of this one. She both has the same name as the girl who directly preceded her, and she looks identical to all of the blondes who have come before. Christina from Florida is generic, both in her physical makeup and in the way that chicks dig cash. How do I know the latter? Here's how: "I've always had a very comfortable life, so I expect the same for my future and my children." She's wearing a black dress that has a weird stringy webbing on the front of it that would make me want to use it for a rousing game of Cat's Cradle and then not give her a rose.

Virginia introduces herself as "Virginia," but that's not what the press notes say. She shakes Andrew's hand with a hearty "Well, hello, stranger." Shut up, Ginny. You don't have a prayer.

Blondes have more name-brand confusion, as the old saying goes. I'll bet Kirsten probably even confuses herself with Christina sometimes.

I told y'all I thought Amy was a groovy local chick last week, but she shouldn't go strapless like I shouldn't go strapless. Her shoulders kind of pitch forward, as if leading the rest of her body. Toward imminent elimination. She stridently tells us, "Not many guys that I've known are faithful to begin with, and half the time when they're romancing you, they're romancing a hundred other girls anyway. This way, I just know who it is. As opposed to not knowing." Strictly speaking, I have no idea what any of that meant.

Of the ever-increasing coalition of Dyed and Undyed Many Blondes (DUMB), I'll grant that Amber is probably the prettiest. She tells us that she's looking for "the one," noting that she's "sick of the bar scene." She's twenty-three! She's only been allowed to go inside of these bars legally for two years! That's all I'll say to that.

Just as Andrew seems lost in his seemingly neverending continued reverie of DUMB, Chris steps into the place where the next comely woman should be (thought you could slip in a kiss under the radar, eh, smartie?) and offers Andrew a break. Chris reminds us that Andrew's just met "the first ten," and asks him if any of them made "an impression." Andrew volleys back, "My last name is Firestone. But we're really into wine now." Actually, he doesn't. But come on. Like he doesn't have enough practice with that turn of phrase. What he actually says is "It's difficult to say right off." That's because he only knows the words "I'm Andrew. It's nice to meet you."

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