Bachelor
Spill The Whine

Episode Report Card
Djb: A+ | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Retreading Water

Limo #3! Say, are those Firestone tires you're...oh, never mind.

Audree is still a Mormon.

Brooke is still Eddie Izzard in a Brooke mask. With the rest of the girls, it's "rose or no rose." With Brooke, the choice of "cake or death" is perhaps slightly less clear.

Kerri is "educated" and "family-oriented," but worries about "being herself" because that "gets her into trouble." Whatever. At least she's not blonde.

Angela and her helium voice and crazy, crazy prom hair aren't going to get chosen, so what's the point in wasting all of our time, really?

Amy's choppy hair and simple black dress endear her to me immediately. She tells us, "Within the first five minutes of meeting a guy, I know that I either want to rip off his clothes or just tell him to go on his way." She and Andrew shake hands. He likes her smile. She likes his tie. It's love at first backhanded compliment.

And, finally, to Limo #4. They're fucking Michelin, okay?

Ladies and gentlemen, get a load of Heather. She's DUMB too, but only in an acronym kind of way. And the other way, too, that means not so smart. She and her dress have been attacked by the Bedazzler, I'm sad to report. There's a strand of hair she can't get out from in front of her face. The hair is blond. Though not all of it. Not really at the top.

Courtney shakes Andrew's hand but neglects to climb the all-important step all of the other women remember to climb. It's an awkward moment, and she's six feet taller than Andrew is even before she finally finds her way onto equal footing. No chance.

DUMB Rachel finds no shame in telling us, "I do like Martha Stewart." She tells us exactly what type of wedding ("An evening wedding, with my bridesmaids in simple black dresses with pearls") she wants. But she doesn't mention that it matters who it's to, sadly.

Tina and Andrew have a confusing conversation that goes poorly. Here it is now. Tina: "You have to keep me tonight, because I have a lot of clothes I can't take back, okay?" Andrew: "Take back to where?" Tina: "To any store." She laughs at that a lot louder than he does. In Andrew's family, when clothes don't fit anymore, they just burn them. More than they burn rubber, that's for sure. Because it's all about the wine, actually.

Anne-Michelle is still an actress, she's still from L.A., and she's still not pretty.

And now, what I wrote at this point in my first recap of The Bachelorette: "Oh, my god. Enough. I feel like I'm recapping Meet the Phone Book. How many people has this been? Ack! Another limo!" I know it's the height of narcissism to quote my own self, but you've got to admit it's better than another tire joke, right? RIGHT?

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10Next

Bachelor

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

Visit the Official Room on zeebox to join in the discussion!

The Latest Activity On TwOP