Bachelor
Spy In The House Of Love

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Spy In The House Of Love

Jesse and Suzie go to the Silent Movie Theater, where there is a sign on the marquee welcoming them. Jesse reads the marquee aloud, like Suzie is his child, or illiterate. Suzie interviews that this doesn't happen every day, and that Jesse could be the man of her dreams. Suzie has never seen a place like this (a restored Art Deco theater), and I'm happy to say that I was in one a week ago, seeing Fountains of Wayne in concert with all of the ten-year-olds and their parents. Jesse leads Suzie into a private room where they will have dinner. Jesse interviews that Suzie was chosen for this date because their personality-test results showed that they were the most compatible. Jesse asks Suzie if she really believes in those tests, and Suzie says that she can tell she and Jesse have things in common. They like soup. And talking or not talking. Jesse wasn't surprised that Suzie turned out to be his perfect match.

Back at the ranch, the women are drinking, all decked out in their matching Juicy knockoff sweatsuits. The women decide to play "I Never," where you make a statement about yourself starting with the words "I never..." and then anyone who has done that thing has to drink. Basically, it's a more polite way to find out which one of your friends is secretly a whore, since everyone starts out like, "I've never jumped out of a plane" and quickly becomes, "I've never had sex with two guys at once" or whatever. Alternately, it is often used by girls to humiliate their friends in front of guys, by bringing up their sexual history, saying things like, "I've never had sex with Bob Smith in the boys' locker room during the homecoming game." Or maybe that's just my college experience. The women start out mildly with statements like, "I never drank before I was twenty-one" and "I never had sex when I was in college." The camera keeps focusing in on Trish, who is drinking every time. Jenny interviews that it was "an amazing opportunity to get to the bottom of who some women are."

Tara says that she has never cheated on a boyfriend. Trish drinks. Jessica B. has never had a one-night stand. Hey, she's the same one who never had sex in college! I don't think those two statements are unrelated. Trish drinks and says that by the end of the night, they won't like her very much. As if they like her now. Trish interviews that she shocked a few people. Karen has never had sex with more than one person in a day. Trish, to the surprise of no one, drinks. Jesse has never had sex on a bathroom counter. Trish drinks. Mandy Jaye says that they were all shocked to see Trish confirm their suspicions that she's a big whore. Karen says that she's never had sex with more people than she can count on one hand. Trish drinks, and Karen has to confirm loudly that Trish didn't just drink, she chugged her drink. The women keep upping the ante (more people than I can count on both hands, both hands and one foot) until someone finally just flat-out asks Trish how many people she's slept with, which was the point of the game in the first place. Jesse interviews that they were all goofing around, "and then Trish took it to a level that kind of made it disgusting." Oh no! She talked about having sex outside of marriage! Has she really said anything that was disgusting? It's not like she drank to "I never had sex with my brother" or "I never found my dog attractive."

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