Bachelor
Spy Vs. Not Spy

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Your Trish Your Trish Is On His List

"I am very attracted to Julie," The Pumpkin will have us know. "I wanted the chance to kind of pull her aside and talk to her a little bit and kind of see where her head was at." That right there is a commanding comment of the English language, is what that is right there. Is what that is. They're in the hot tub, the cornerstone of any successful snowbound getaway, where he explains to her that some girls he's dated aren't comfortable in his "element." Because she's a cheerleader and he's a football player, Julie believes she and Jesse are in exactly the same predicament, because she spends time in that world as well. Yeah, but not playing football. It's different. It's worse. And what's worse than being worse is how much she comes across as the I Want A Famous Face loser 2.0 version of Jesse Palmer. It's the only thing sadder than being him. No. It's the exact same amount of sad. Julie's voice is so calming that it's lulling me into utter fucking insanity. Jesse continues on to the question I find myself asking at some point during nearly every date I've ever been on: "What do you want to do, you think, when you're done cheerleading?" Maybe she could read to the elderly. Her voice is sure to keep them too alert to die. But no. She's got dreams. And those dreams are as follows: "I want to open up a studio for children." What? "A studio for children"? What on earth does that mean? A cheerleading studio? Some other kind of studio? A studio apartment? She just said the name of a space and then another noun. Considering last week's misadventure known as "our Bachelor may be an NFL quarterback, but this is going to be one of the biggest nights of his life," maybe they're perfect for each other after all. If only I had thought to say it during my alone time with Jesse, I might have remembered to tell him that it was my lifelong dream to open up a lavatory for penguins. Admit it. It doesn't make any less sense than what she said.

Yeah, so, Julie should stop talking soon, because this is getting weird. She vamps on like a four-year-old that she wants to have "at least four kids," with one of the boys being a football player and one of the girls being a cheerleader. Just hope that the other girl turn out to be totally goth and the other boy turns out to be gay so at least two of Julie's kids will turn out cool against her best efforts in the schools of tomorrow. "I'd love you to meet my parents. I'd love to you to meet my brother," she squeaks, moving in on Jesse in a subtle the-natural-currents- of-the-hot-tub- are-totally-just- pushing-me- into-your-crotch- just-like-that fashion.

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Bachelor

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