Bachelor
Spy Vs. Not Spy

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Your Trish Your Trish Is On His List

Trish and Jesse sip champagne and read what I guess are menus. He asks her if she can read it, and she glares at him as if they'd been married for fifty years and responds, "You're the language person." Yes, yes. He's the dashing, debonair, inveterate internationalist because he grew up in the exotic cornfields of Canada. Sometimes this country makes me sad. And sometimes it makes me sick: "There are things I can do in French, but I can't speak French." Do any of them involve a series of menu options and a sentence ending, "And to drunk...Peru"? Because Jesse doesn't seem to have the vaguest notion of what she's talking about either, so poor Trish has to retreat to Bad Flirting Base Camp and reload her love gun with the ammunition of exceedingly slow explanation: "I'm a damn good kisser." She whispers that sentence because she doesn't want to turn The Orpheum into an opera house of lies.

On a practically empty stage with just a piano, a man and a woman in formalwear, looking like they're understudying for the role of Jesse and Trish, sing two notes before being interrupted by Trish's confessional: "I think one of the most powerful aphrodisiacs you can have is wanting to kiss somebody." I thought one of the most powerful aphrodisiacs you could have was Spanish Fly. That's what the song said, anyway. Not the song in the opera. I don't understand that song. It's in the language of Foreignia, so I never thought to learn it. The opera couple kisses on stage, and the song ends to thunderous applause from Jesse and Trish. If you rewind it and play it back really slowly, you'll notice that the four hands clapping actually spell out the words in Morse Code: "A Master's at Juilliard, and for what?"

The second date box is here! The second date box is here! It's a rough-hewn old wicker thing decorated with pine cones. Jesse-XX will do the honors: "Mandy, Amber, Anne-Catherine, Suzie, Jenny, Kristy, Jean Marie, and Jess. Let's leave the mansion behind and experience the great outdoors." The Spy -- who is Jenny -- recounts her stock speech to tell us how excited she is to talk to Jesse about some "very important things." Hey, we're ready when you are, Jeffersonian Vice-President Aaron Blur.

Back at a night at the opera, the curtain rises on the post-opera stage (yeah, stupid performers! Get outta here. Who needs you?) to reveal a table set for a faaaaaanchy dinner. Rose petals fall from the sky. Jesse asks Trish to join him at dinner, confessionalizing that it's like "a fairy tale" because that's what you say at this point in the...oh, sorry. No SpongeBob for him either. Although considering the physical description "absorbent and yellow and porous is he," Jesse might actually be the SpongeBob plush toy. No wonder they keep referring to him as "a prize."

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Bachelor

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