Bachelor
Taller Than The Washington Monument

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A Fantasy Suite In The Lincoln Bedroom

"This week, I'm going on three overnight dates with these three women," we're told in a mathematical riddle by Jesse "Not A Quarterback. Not Even An Eighthback" Palmer, who wows us with his superior intellect in proving that his wee walnut brain can at least count all the way to three, at least before he stops and blinks like the light's too bright and asks, "Wait, what was the question again?" and puts our perception of his intelligence right back at square one, which is a number I'm pretty sure he's incapable of counting to either. Jesse strolls down an Old Time-y looking snow-lined street, wearing a black mock turtleneck and a black leather jacket over it. We quickly come to learn that Jesse's first exotic overnight date with Tara will take place in Quebec City, and Jesse's outfit instantly becomes the obvious choice, seeing as he's currently in a country closely connected with a monarchy and all he's trying to do is emulate the figurehead Chess King. He strolls up to an attending horse and carriage, where a French-Canadian carriage driver -- the very job so many vocational aptitude tests insisted would be the one at which I would be the most, well, bon -- shakes Jesse's hand and wears a porkpie hat. Quite frankly, I just don't know which one of those two things is a worse decision for the driver. But I do know which one will give him a rash.

"I hope that Tara understands that today is a very big day," Jesse tells us from Le Confessionel Français-Canadien, adding a follow-up thought for our convenience, because I was only half-certain that the previous statement implied some deeper level of I'm-a-dick-ish-ness about him: "I hope that she's able to share herself with me in terms of how she's feeling before maybe it's too late." Well, just as long as your opinion of yourself isn't as enormous as the football you can't kick or the big red face of yours I can't look at.

Tara wears a big fur doughnut around her head and hums mentally through the first few songs on the Kohuept album as she thinks about Russia and dresses as its bride. The carriage, the diver, the ass, and also the horse driving them all (waka waka waka) round a corner as Tara takes un confessionel time-out of her own, reporting, "Each time I'm around Jesse, I feel a lot more confident in our relationship, and I definitely feel like this is something that we're going to take to a new level." The happy couple climbs onto the carriage as we espy Jesse wearing a black-and-white striped scarf with the word "Quebec" sewn into it with an accompanying fleur-de-lis to remind us that Quebec is just sooooooooooooo French, isn't it?

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Bachelor

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